Latest Photo Shoot

A touch of color

Photos taken on 10-24-11

 

The Spivey Family

Recently I had the pleasure of taking pictures for my sister and her family. The pictures turned out lovely.  Following are just a few!



What a beautiful group of people!

 





Father and Children

 

 



My Photo Shoot with Alyssa and Leah :)

After looking back at some of my much older shots I can see just how much I've improved in my picture taking and the more I experiment the more I fall in love with photography. These picture were taken November 24th and 25th. It's so much fun working with the girls, naturally they are drawn toward the camera and they both have huge personalities that makes taking their pictures a breeze.

I hope you'll enjoy! These of of my neice Leah and my Daughter Alyssa; two of the most beautiful girls I know!!

What a beautiful Smile. I love this one!

 

Laughter caught on camera...

 



I absolutely love this one of her.....she is so happy here and these are moments
I love to captured.

hmmmmmm

Sometimes the hardest decisions for us to make are those that are so important that there really isn't a choice...where the decision is out of our hands and the only thing keeping us from moving forward is the stubborness of our own hearts...It is these decisions that bring us the greatest heartache because it truly is a matter of the heart and not the mind...but the hardest step is always the first and with each step that follows it will get easier.....not because the act itself has became less hard but because it is after that first step that God steps in and carries us the rest of the way! Trust in yourself and trust in God!! ~ Love, Wendy ~

LETTING GO TAKES LOVE

I came across this poem and thought I would share! God Bless!!


LETTING GO TAKES LOVE

To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more
and
To let go and to let God, is to find peace !

Author Unknown

Born Anew

Today, at age thirty, I learned for the first time just how much I love and need my mother. Yes I know that sounds a bit strange even for me, ecspecially considering that she has been apart of my life for it's entirety. We have always maintained a relationship through the years but I sadly always felt a bit distant from her and oddly enough wished we were closer. It's kind of crazy because she has always been the one person to have my back through out my life, yet still I felt something was missing. perhaps it was I who in my own guilt driven feelings of unworthiness kept a wedge between us. I think I can see it now.

During recent months I did feel like there was a different kind of bond being built between us. I for the first time was able to open up to her about my childhood trauma and for the first time in my life I actually felt heard. My pain was acknowledged and that has played such a huge role in my growth and healing,  She says she's noticed changes in me but some of those are in part thanks to her. She has given me an outlet and I'm so thankful for that.

So today out of the blue I recieved a phone call from mom telling me about a wonderful job opportunity she had just received. I was happy for her..... and then I heard something about it being out of state and blah blah blah....six to eight weeks...blah blah blah....literally that is all I could hear. The smile on my face quickly faded and I was speechless probably for the first time in my life. My heart sank, there was a knot in my throat and without any warning panic filled my heart and I choked back tears. I heard "I thought you would be happy." HAPPY??? ARE YOU KIDDING ME is what I was thinking but not wanting to be rude all I could manage was "I'll have to call you back". Click I hung up the phone and even before I could lay the phone on the desk I burst into tears, crying like a little girl who was just told by her mom that she was moving away and leaving her behind. I had no idea where these emotions were coming from and even after she came to my house to check on me I still couldn't admit what had me upset. I love my Mother dearly and don't think I could live without her. Literally. Not is some crazy dependent way but because I love her and because she is my best friend. It took thirty years for me to realize this but I'm so thankful to have been blessed with this realization. I will no longer see her the same way again. Our relationship was born anew today and also born today was a new found respect for her.

It's crazy now how much time I let pass me by not cherishing her words of wisdom, her tender hugs, her late night phone calls when I was on the verge of a meltdown, all the time, sweat and tears she put into helping me raise my children, and all the many many times she's lifted me up from the deep clenches of depression telling me that this to shall pass. I'm sorry I haven't been more appreciate of her. I'm sorry I didn't tell her more often how special she is to me and I'm sorry I didn't tell her I loved her enough. But thankful so very thankful that I still have the rest of her life to make that up to her, and I will!

Tonight I will sleep  peaceful knowing that if all else fails and the entire world turns their backs it will still be ok cause I'll always have one person in my corner....My Wonderful Mother!!!!

I came across this poem

WHEN I'M HURTING

It's easier for you to walk away, than it is for you to reach out to me.
It's easier for you to look away, than it is for you to see the depth of my despair.
It's easier for you to look through me, than it is for you to see "me."
It's easier for you to distance yourself, than it is for you to really care.
It's easier for you to hear, than it is for you to listen.
It's easier for you to judge, than it is for you to understand.
It's easier for you to label, than it is to get acquainted.
It's easier for you to bask in your joy, than it is for you to feel my pain.
It's easier for you to bewilder at my mysteries, than it is for you to probe deeply into the depths of my soul.

It's easier for me to look away, than it is to let you see the feelings betrayed through my eyes.
It's easier for me to cry, than it is for me to talk.
It's easier for me to walk alone, than it is to risk rejection.
It's easier for me to push you away, than it is for me to be held.
It's easier for me to distance myself, than it is to trust that you won´t hurt me.
It's easier for me to die, than it is for me to face life's challenges.

It's hard for me to smile when I am hurting.
It's hard for me to talk when you won't understand.
It's hard for me to reach out when I need help the most.

If only you'd really look at me and see who I am.
If only you cared enough to reach out when I push you away.
If only you'd hold me, without asking why.
If only you'd acknowledge the validity of my feelings.

But it's the easy roads that are most often taken.
And so I hurt alone.

--Jo A. Witt
Copyright 2000

Lord I need you

Lord, I am wounded. I hurt. I am helpless. I am broken. I am vulnerable. Nothing I can do by my own hand can protect me. Help me, for without your mercy and protection, I will perish. Into your hands, O Lord, I commend my spirit.


Loving Father,

I come before You with faith in Your promise that whatever I ask for in Your name You will grant to me if it is for the good of my soul and in accordance with Your Divine Will. I come trusting in Your great love for me and believing that only You know what is best for me.

I come to You now to ask that You enter my heart and heal all my wounded emotions. You know me better than I know myself. Bring Your healing love into every corner of my heart and release all the buried negative emotions inside that have not been resolved and continue to cause me anguish.

Remove all my unhealed hurts and painful memories that block the flow of Your graces, robbing me of Your peace, love and joy. Heal all feelings of sadness, loneliness, fear and  anxiety Heal all guilt, despair, feelings of betrayal and rejection. Heal all feelings of anger, hatred, resentment and bitterness.

Bring Your healing love to all my emotions that have caused me feelings of hopelessness, discouragement, helplessness and despair. Grant me the grace to forgive all those who caused negative emotions and likewise to be forgiven by those to whom I have done the same harm.

O, Lord, give me a repentant heart, forgive me for my sins and failures, and be merciful to me Help me to realize the blessings that resulted from each painful experience and how this had led me closer to you.

As You release from me all these painful emotions, fill all the empty spaces with Your love, Your peace, Your joy and the powerful presence of Your Holy Spirit. After I have been healed, may my life be a witness to Your power and glory and may I reach out to others, too.

All these I pray in Jesus name through Mary and all the angels and saints. Amen

Lost

I had all these ideas and plans in mind when I started this blog and now I can't seem to remember why I started it to begin with. For some reason I Have this need for everyone around me to understand me and through my blog I guess maybe I thought it would be a way to show a side of myself that many don't know or don't understand. I wonder though, why is it so important that they understand me or why do I need their approval or acceptance? Why do I even give a crap? What is it really that I am searching for? Why would I want anyone to see this side of me?

The last two days have been a struggle for me and I am feeling really vulnerable right now. I have that angry feeling where I just want to say f the world and everyone in it. I mean I fight so hard to get the approval of every one around me when it's clear that no one gives a damn about Wendy and her mental issues. Why in the Hell do I even bother? Why can't I just learn to accept myself; that after all is really all I want? No one is interested in my sob stories and I can't say I blame them.

I don’t even feel like typing but I feel like if I don’t get something out, I am going to explode. The truth is I’m a horrible person. I am cruel and selfish and a huge disappointment. I have failed those most important to me and for that I don’t even deserve to feel true happiness. It’s not fair to those around me to have to deal with my rollercoaster emotions and the drama that comes with it, so why do I subject them to it? I’m frustrated again and I hate feeling this way.

The littlest things set me off and I don’t understand it. I’m always complaining and I never have anything positive to say it’s no wonder that no one wants to listen or be around me anymore. Damn it I’m still living in the past. Why can’t I escape? Do I like it here so much that I am purposely torturing myself? Why do I feel like I deserve to live this way? God I really want to forgive myself, so why can’t I? What the hell is wrong with me?

I can see it ya know, in my mind, in my dreams; being happy and healthy and at peace with myself and my past. I picture myself running in the yard with my children laughing until our bellies hurt. I’m a hundred pounds lighter with my hair fixed, makeup on, and I feel confident again. It feels good. But then again it’s only a dream. It’s so close, yet so far away. It feels so real at times that when reality hits it’s literally like I was hit by a ton of bricks. I am sick and tired of my own bullshit! I hate hating myself but it is what it is. I try, I really do.  I’m weak. I’m a coward and I am ashamed of who I have become.

I want to run away again, and I wish I didn’t care. I don’t want to care. Wouldn’t that make it easier? To feel nothing, so I could leave without guilt. I am a mess but I know it and I can admit it. My kids deserve better so why can’t I just snap out of what ever it is and come back to life. I’m tired and I don’t make much sense.

I have nothing left to say…….

Progress

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.

Proverbs 3, 5-6

Writing for me is a way for me to make sense of my life, a path of reflection, to find truth and clarity. Writing gives me a platform; a place where I can be completely honest; no masks or untruths, only the real and sometimes heartbreaking realities. Here is where I can be me without fear of being judged. It is here that I find solace, and is often the only thing keeping me from insanity.

I can vaguely remember one of my many therapists telling me that it was important that I find someone to tell my story to. It did not matter to whom as long I trusted them and as long as I was honest and forthcoming about not just parts but all of my experiences. I thought he was crazy at the time. How in the world would that help? Nothing was going to take away my pain and it would not make it go away, so how could talking about it make any difference? So for years I chose to stuff it far away and refused to even acknowledge its existence.  This pain was rooted so deeply that I, for years could not even recognize how troubled I’d become, and how ignoring it had actually done more damage.

For the first time in my life I feel like I may possibly be making progress in my healing. Over the last week, and for the first time ever I have put a voice to some deep rooted pain that until now had been a secret. I am opening up and I am eternally thankful for my listener. I’m definitely still a work in progress with that but my journey has begun. Why or what happened to trigger this I have yet to put my finger on but God has blessed me this week with the strength and courage to finally put words to my feelings. It hasn’t been easy and it definitely hasn’t been pretty but I do believe progress is being made. Nothing will take away the pain, however, I do believe I can find peace and closure and will eventually be able to move on.

Facing the fears and pain attached to those memories is probably the toughest thing I will ever have to do. The important thing is that I am finally getting it out. This, although extremely difficult has been very empowering for me. As I type this I kid you not; I can feel that something has changed, is changing and for the first time in a very long time I can truthfully say that I feel hope!

I can only imagine that this gift I’ve been given comes from none other than God himself. He is busy working in my life and I am overcome with gratitude. One great thing about the lack of sleep I’ve been experiencing this month is that it has allowed me the opportunity to meditate, turning to God for direction; placing my worries in God’s hands, where they should have been all the time. Patience is not my strong suit and it’s fair to say that I’ve been impatient even with God, and especially with myself. I just didn’t get it. Why after all my tears and all my prayers had he not answered me? I’m beginning to gain a better understanding now. God has been here all along, it is I who was unable or unwilling to listen.  I have been so closed minded that I felt literally rooted to the ground, and have spent the last ten years living in the first twenty years of my life. Does that make sense? I’ve been stuck in the past and with blinders on and negative gears turning in my brain there was no way that before now I could have ever found closure.

I really believe that I am finally ready to let God work his miracle in my life. I haven’t exactly been fair to myself. I’ve beaten myself up, neglected my body, mind, and spirit and blamed myself for things that were beyond my control. It’s time for change. I do deserve the same happiness that I wish for my children, and I realize that I am in control; always have been.  I gave my power away but it belongs to me and I am taking it back. I will no longer allow the negative forces to infiltrate my thinking, and I will not let the pain you placed upon my heart ruin one more day of my future. You have had control for long enough. I AM BACK!!!! That is not a threat; that is a promise.

This I realize is only the beginning. I know that I will probably be healing for years to come and I have only begun to touch the surface of the pain placed upon my heart but this is a first step for me and it has me genuinely excited about my tomorrow! I honestly believe it can only go up from here. I’ve hit rock bottom, even made a couple visits to hell and I’m still here to tell my story. The positive thing is knowing that I am strong enough to get through anything. It’s a way of thinking and I have my work cut out for me in trying to retrain my brain to think positively but I am capable and with God on my side I will succeed.   

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

To my followers: Good night (morning) and God Bless

I wish that I could laugh as much as I cry...then my life would be alright!!!

Confusion

The last few days have been rather overwhelming for me. My sleep patterns are all over the place. I’ll go a couple days without sleep and then sleep for a whole day only to do repeat the pattern. I know it’s not good for me and I realize it can affect the way I feel. I just have no idea how to regain control. This perhaps contributes the emotional rollercoaster I’ve been on recently. One minute I feel good the next I feel horrible. One minute I’m happy and on top of the world and the next I’ve come close to rock bottom again and I’m an emotional mess. One minute I know exactly what I want and what I’m going to do and the next I don’t even have a clue. I’m sorry I haven’t had many positive posts lately, but this is the way I chose to get it out at the moment. Thanks for being patient with me.

My thoughts are being pulled in a million directions and I can feel myself on the verge of losing it again. I’m on the verge of losing what exactly; my sanity perhaps?  Why is it so difficult to make life changing decisions? I know exactly what needs to happen and even what I would need to do to make it happen; I just don't have myself fully convinced yet that I am ready beyond a reasonable doubt. Last nights blog only touched the surface of what's going on inside this head of mine.

I know a part of the problem is that I want to please everyone. I can’t even stomach the thought of disappointing. I want everyone to be proud of me and I want to say and do things that will please those that I care about. So why is it that I feel the need to be a people pleaser? Why do I worry myself sick, literally, over how others perceive me? My entire existence has revolved around those exact thoughts and not because anybody expects me to do what would make them feel better. I just feel some kind of need to do it. I am petrified of being disliked or judged. It literally tears me to pieces when I think someone doesn’t like me; even those that don't matter. Why?

Sure I realize it is almost entirely a self esteem issue. I live with these absurd anxieties every day that prohibit me from doing things that most people take for granted; job interviews, applications, shaking hands, talking to strangers, standing up for myself and so on and so on.  I can remember a time when my anxieties were so bad I couldn't even call in a pizza order. Seriously and I’m not kidding. I knew that the people on the other end couldn't see me and didn't have a clue who I was but still I couldn't help but feel like they would somehow be critiquing me on the other end of the phone. Imagine the looks I got when someone says hey call and order a pizza and I’m like no you do it…. Not funny.

I am emotionally exhausted right now and just can’t pull my thoughts together enough to formulate what it is I’m really trying to say here so…….

…until next time good day and God Bless.

Note To Self

Decisions need to be made, and you know me I hate making decisions. I'd rather someone else make them for me and then, well, duh if things turned out wrong then they could be to blame; but then what would I learn from that. Nothing! I need to woman up and pull myself together. Yes I need to hear that and yes it's the truth. The truth hurts, so what. Get up girl. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Stop making excuses and go after what could be the answer to all your prayers. Yes that's right, it could go all go wrong but what if it doesn't? What if the choice you make is the right choice? What if the only thing holding you back from all the hopes and dreams you had for yourself and your children is the fact that you won't take that leap of faith? Life is tough, so what, deal with it. You've been through worse...and made it out alive. This is only a stepping stone, one that'll lead to the next chapter of your life. What are you so afraid of anyway?


“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone, and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others" -Mariamme Williamson


Most of my life I've lived in fear. Fear of not being loved, fear of being abandoned, forgotten or mistreated, fear of failing, fear of public speaking, fear of being alone, fear of relationships, fear of not being good enough, smart enough or pretty enough, and now fear of the unknown. Maybe it’s true that “our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate”, but instead that we “are powerful beyond measure”! What if my problem lies with the fact that I still don’t believe I am worthy of the kind of life I so desperately want. What if I am afraid of the power I hold within myself? What if that’s it? Could it be possible that I’m afraid of what I am capable of? How can that be possible? Why would that frighten me?

As far back as I can commit to memory, I remember thinking that one day I’d do something so big and powerful that it would change the world forever. I remember lying on my bed daydreaming about building a mansion so I could adopt all the kids in the world who were being abused or who didn’t have families. I’d dream about my best friend and me preparing meals for, and feeding the homeless.  Do all little kids think this or was it just I? I’m not sure but I do know how wonderful it made me feel. I felt strong and proud and had no doubts back then that I would be influential, that others would one day look up to me. That desire still burns deep inside my heart; however the confidence burned out years ago. I still believe, I could have that potential, should I put in the effort but things always get in the way; mainly myself. Why am I holding myself back? It just doesn’t make any sense. I know myself better than anyone and I know I have the power to make a difference in this world. My heart is so big and full of love and compassion. That’s what I want to pursue. I don’t want to just get by, or just work at another dead in job. I want to put my heart to work. I want to make that difference I always dreamed of making as a child.

Could it be possible that as I write this blog that things are happening just as they should? Is it possible that this conversation with myself was meant to happen at just this moment so that my eyes could be opened to something bigger? I feel something unexplainable right now but I’ve felt it before. That I can’t deny. Many times actually and each time I have ran from it. Is this how God talks to us? Could these feelings be God trying to communicate? Is it possible that I have been running not from myself but from my purpose, from God and his calling for me? Wow, I’m emotional again. It’s ok. I give myself permission to cry. There is something so much more powerful and more beautiful than anything or anyone on the face of this earth and I could be apart of that. I am a part of that. Ok so there is no denying that my bigger purpose awaits me. I’m tired of running so where are the brakes? I’m listening God; if that’s you. Tell me where you need me and what I need to do. I don’t want this life as I live it anymore. I want to work for you. My heart is open and my soul yearns. I’m not alone. I’M NOT ALONE. I feel you Lord. You are with me all the time, by my side you’ve walked with me through many difficult times now let me repay the favor Lord, let me walk with you.

Deep breath......let it escape….another deep breath. Ok I’m good now. I had to get it out…the cry that is. I feel better. So many things running through my mind, and I am super excited about the possibilities that await me. I have no doubt that my life will turn around and I have no doubt that I will make of it all that and more that I dreamed about as a child. I can and will make this happen. My children deserve that and so much more. I will be a model to them. I will lead by example. That is the best gift I could give them. I have to believe in the good. I talk all the time about taking a stand; about people coming together to make a difference. Perhaps it’s God trying to tell me it’s time! Time I take a stand and start practicing what I preach.

I have much to think about tonight as I prepare myself for another night of sleep. I will definitely be saying my prayers tonight. I know God will listen and I know that he also will answer. It is I who needs to listen. The answers wait should I be ready to really listen. To those of you who I know are also praying for me, I want to say thank you. Thank you for being the kind of people who genuinely care. Thanks for having my back and for always offering your generous words of encouragement. Without you my life would not be complete. I love you all dearly. Thanks for believing in me and my capabilities. It is each of you and God that gets me through.

Until next time my followers; Good night and God Bless!!!!

Memories And Positive Thinking

*There are people, places, and things from my past that I miss and even sometimes wish I could go back in time and make last forever but knowing that’s not possible I choose instead to hold those memories close to my heart, never forgetting how they made me feel.*

It's funny how the smallest act or even words can trigger memories from the past. Good or bad those memories give us an opportunity to go back in time, even if only for a minute. That time warp into the past allows us to remember people or experiences that may have somehow been forgotten along our hectic and sometimes chaotic lives. Not all things are meant to be remembered or carried around but there are some memories that I truly believe are meant to be stored away in the back of our minds, for use on days when we feel like all is wrong and nothing is right.

I believe such memories allow us to reflect and are not only necessary at times, but are also good for us. Memories are stored in our minds just as when we journal we store those memories in a notebook. Although different the two are also very similar. Should it be in our minds or in our journals, both are like vaults in a sense, where we store our most prized possessions, in this instance; our memories. Too often we get discouraged and allow ourselves to be swallowed up by the pain, sadness and fear in our lives that we forget about all the wonderful memories also made along the way. Even when things fail or do not go as we plan, it is undeniable that both the good the bad memories lead us to where we are, and have shaped us into the people we are today.

Unbreakable

I managed to put a little of my creativity to work today. Yay for me considering I wasted half a day sleeping. I wanted to capture the bond and strength of our little family, and was able to get a few workable pictures out of the bunch. The kids were less than excited to be apart of my photo shoot today and so I decided to make it easy for them. "Lie down on your backs, with your feet side by side", annoyed they rolled their eyes, made some groans and well did as I asked!!! These are the results.

Dear Lord

Today was a bit of a struggle for me, and although I know that “this too shall pass”, I can’t help but feel a bit sad today. The emotions wait to erupt, as I’ve tried desperately to keep my composure. With tears rolling down my face I come to you because I know that no one knows me better than you Lord. You know me inside and out. You know my needs, my wants, and even my dreams. You know the people, places and things I hold near and dear to my heart and you know what hurts me most. You know my internal struggles as well as the struggles I face day to day within the outside world. Not one single person will ever know me the way you do Lord nor can any human being Love me the way you do. Because I know this Lord, is the reason I come to you Lord. I believe that if my life can be saved Lord it will only be through you.

It has become quite easy Lord, for me to feel sorry for myself and for me to blame anyone and everyone around me for anything and everything that goes wrong in my life; knowing all along Lord that I and only I hold the keys to my happiness and success. I vowed to myself Lord to be strong long ago and over the years I have let myself down more times than I care to admit, however Lord I know that in order to move forward I must first forgive myself. Some time ago I made an unconscious decision to let go of the girl I use to be, and only recently have I been able to acknowledge and admit that this may not have been such a wise decision. Lord, the little girl I left behind is a part of me, she is me, and in order to be whole again I now realize I must find her, heal her and then let her back into my life.

Lord this is difficult for me and I come to you tonight because I know that with you and through you I can and will find the wholeness I look for, and with you Lord I will piece back together my broken, shattered existence. The little girl whom I have for so long refused to acknowledge is broken Lord. I ignore her out of fear of the emotions she will bring to surface Lord and this is why I need you. I need you to wrap your arms around me, be my strength when I feel I have none. Allow me to face my fears Lord once and for all so that I can finally lay my past to rest. I need to bury it Lord and I need to finally mourn for those things that I have lost so that I can heal Lord. I am tired Lord and have become aged and rugged before my time Lord. I want to feel joy, to feel happiness and to feel young and full of life again Lord. Through you Lord I know this is a possibility. I can and I will smile again.

Looking Back

Looking back, I remember little about my early childhood.The things I do are often tough for me to revisit. Many of my memories are not pleasant, or perhaps I have just been so focused on the bad experiences that I have not allowed myself to consider the possibility that my world did not totally revolve around pain, heartache, and turmoil. Even as I write of that possibility I am finding it tough to even consider such an idea. My entire life, in my view, has been one heart break after another. For as long as I can remember I have been filled with emotions, many of which I did not understand and I have never really learned how to manage them. Even as a child I remember feeling angry; angry at my parents, angry at God, angry at myself. I was a lonely child, lost and confused and literally terrified of the world and everyone in it. I was afraid of people, relationships and even myself. I can remember always being so emotional and I never really understood why. I remember crying myself to sleep at night more often than any little girl should have to.

My parents separated and divorced when my brothers and I were too young to know what that meant, but I do remember missing my Father like crazy. I was angry at him for a very long time.  I was angry at both my Father and my Mother. I was angry that they were not more civil for the sake of us children. I remember them both voicing insults about the other in our presence. Dad would say mom was only out for the child support money and that mom would make it difficult for him to see us. Mom would talk about him too, and I hated them for putting us in between. 

I was angry at my Father for not being more active in my life and for making my brothers and I feel guilty for not calling or writing more often.  I was angry at him for not making the time we did have together count. I recall our visits being almost as sad for me, as it was for me not to see him. When we finally did visit I never really felt an effort by him to bond with us until we were a little older. I do not blame him now, nor do I hold any resentment in my heart. I truly believe my Father loved us with all his heart and showed it the best way he knew how, but I did not always believe that to be true. It was upsetting to me that my relationship with my Father was almost nonexistent. I had all these emotions inside and no way of knowing how to sort them all out.

I learned at a very early age how to hide my emotions and consequently the “pretending” began. I call “pretending”, putting on the “Mask”. The “mask” was usually in the form of a fake smile. I was good at acting and learned how to appear to be happy on the outside but the truth was on the inside I was crumbling. Even still I am guilty of wearing the mask, trying to “fake out” those who love and worry for me. I’m just not as good now at being able to keep up the act as I probably was back then. I remember feeling like I had to be perfect as a child and as a young woman. I felt like our life was chaotic enough and I did not want to make more trouble for my mother. I wanted to please her and to please my Father. I tried desperately to do so with good behavior, good grades and by just staying out of the way but even that came hard for me. I struggled in school but no one knew it. I found it hard to concentrate and my mind was always racing.

Something about Black and Whites

So as many of you already know and the rest of you will come to know, I love taking pictures, and I ecspecially like the look of a well taken black and white. Some cameras give you the option of changing that function from the camera but I usually edit my own photos in one of the several photo editing softwares I have installed on my computer. There's just something about the way a black and white that makes a photo stand out........

What in the world? This is what you get when you leave me alone with my camera!

This one was kinda neat .... of course I have to try it in black and white.

My doll of a neice Leah!

The shadow is what made this one and the next stand out.

With a dash of color!





Lesson Learned

He lured me in with words that would flatter any young woman. He told me all the things I needed to hear and I believed them. He was funny. The laughter was something I needed in my life and he could make me laugh even in my darkest moment. He was handsome and had an amazing smile that proved to be contagious.  He was a big guy; around five feet 10 inches tall and weighed around two hundred and twenty pounds.  He was strong and outgoing and would defend me in a second. I felt safe with him. He was gentle and caring and offered me comfort when I needed it. I trusted him. He was my husband, my best friend, and he has been one of the most influential people in my life.

He noticed me long before I noticed him and wasn‘t the least bit shy about letting his feelings known. He was persistent and determined that one way or another he would make me his girl.  I had my doubts but I was lonely and desperate for love.  A single mother of three young children made me an easy target. He made friendly with my children, playing with them, filling in where their father lacked. He was almost everything I wanted. With a little bit of work, I thought, this could work, and so I gave in.

The first few months were great. It was new. It was fun and exciting and he made me happy.  Everything he did was either about me or my children. He was amazing and we were in love. The relationship moved rather quickly but I didn’t mind because my children were happy and to me that was most important.  I remember thinking to myself how blessed I was to have him in my life.

Over time the guy I fell in love with began to change.  Brian became a monster. A “bad man” as my children would later refer to him.  It happen gradually and the small changes were easy to dismiss as I was in love and had finally found who I thought was someone I would share the rest of my life with.  The jealousy at first was cute, I thought it meant he loved me, however, soon the jealousy got out of hand and I couldn’t so much as glance at another man without him calling me a name. He began to pick away at my esteem by calling me ugly or stupid and telling me anything else he knew would hurt.  He became more and more controlling. I couldn’t work without him calling the job over and over again and slowly but surely he had isolated me from my family and friends. When I started attending college he did everything in his power to prevent me from going. He would stay out all night and come home in  rages.  Brian had changed, he was angry and violent and demanding.

His heavy footsteps were easily heard as he stomped up the steps and onto the front porch and clumsily fumbled for his keys. He dropped them twice before finally managing to get the door open. The door slammed behind him and I remember my body jumping at the sound. I was lying in bed pretending to be asleep when he stumbled into the room demanding that I satisfy his needs. When I refused he walks to the opposite side of the bed as I and picked up the mattress, tossing everything on it, including myself to the floor.  He then proceeds to lay his body on top of the mattress. I was still beneath. This was the first time I remember being afraid of who he had became and what he was capable of.  He scared me and I remember pleading for him to get up. “I can not breathe…please get off me”. It was as if the world stood still.  After what felt like hours, he did get off of me.   I managed to pull myself from under the mattress and in shock I just stared up at him. “You’re scaring me” I said over and over again as I watched him destroy our bedroom, kicking the television to the floor and throwing anything he could get his hands on. The rage passed and eventually he went to his couch where he fell asleep. That moment and who he had become has stayed with me ever since. That man I watched him turn into changed who I was forever.

I later learned that he was high on cocaine that night and that he had been using the whole time we were together.  He hid in well in the beginning or maybe I just didn’t want to see the signs but either way he was living as two separate people and with one of those I was still very much in love with. I stayed with him, even after that night.  His addiction gave me an excuse for his behavior.  The abuse got worse both mentally and physically and each time he hit, pinched or punched me I readily excused it, by convincing myself that it was not him but the drugs that caused him to abuse me.  He had broke me down so bad that I actually believed I was the reason for his behavior, that I had somehow caused it or asked for it. 

As he changed so did I and so did my children. Unfortunately they were witness to much of this abuse and even though he never raised a hand to them it soon became evident that they were being affected. They cried a lot and their happy personalities became sad.  Then is when I realized I had to get out. My children came first and the man I once loved had turned into a man I now feared. It was time.

The Brian I fell in love with still lives with me in heart and memories. I still love him to this day. He was kind, loving and gentle and was a good dad when he really tried. He taught me to give openly, to love unconditionally and to fight for what’s right and important. He taught me to relax and enjoy life a little, to be spontaneous and most importantly he taught me to laugh. I will forever be thankful to him for those things he left me with. 

The monster in Brain or the “bad man” also still lives with me to this day. It’s been three years since I escaped his abuse and there are still things in my present life that seems to trigger memories of past. For a very long time I lived in fear. I feared he would come after me and I feared the possibility that he may actually be capable of killing me. He went from being loving to dangerous in a matter of a year.  The monster in him also taught me to give openly, to love unconditionally, and to fight for what is right, but also through him I learned patience, understanding, compassion and empathy.  The monster in Brian taught me to be strong and tough and to stand up for myself.  He also taught me what I did not want my daughter to grow up thinking was the way women should be treated and what I did not want my two sons to grow up thinking was the way to treat women. He taught me to set my expectations high and not to settle for less.

The things I learned from Brian have given me great insight into my life, my needs, my wants and my dreams and from my relationship with him I have learned many things. This is why I considered him to be someone who has influenced my life in a powerful way. He left me with good and bad memories and from each of them I can take something away for each in its own unique way has helped shape me into the woman I am today.