Progress

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.

Proverbs 3, 5-6

Writing for me is a way for me to make sense of my life, a path of reflection, to find truth and clarity. Writing gives me a platform; a place where I can be completely honest; no masks or untruths, only the real and sometimes heartbreaking realities. Here is where I can be me without fear of being judged. It is here that I find solace, and is often the only thing keeping me from insanity.

I can vaguely remember one of my many therapists telling me that it was important that I find someone to tell my story to. It did not matter to whom as long I trusted them and as long as I was honest and forthcoming about not just parts but all of my experiences. I thought he was crazy at the time. How in the world would that help? Nothing was going to take away my pain and it would not make it go away, so how could talking about it make any difference? So for years I chose to stuff it far away and refused to even acknowledge its existence.  This pain was rooted so deeply that I, for years could not even recognize how troubled I’d become, and how ignoring it had actually done more damage.

For the first time in my life I feel like I may possibly be making progress in my healing. Over the last week, and for the first time ever I have put a voice to some deep rooted pain that until now had been a secret. I am opening up and I am eternally thankful for my listener. I’m definitely still a work in progress with that but my journey has begun. Why or what happened to trigger this I have yet to put my finger on but God has blessed me this week with the strength and courage to finally put words to my feelings. It hasn’t been easy and it definitely hasn’t been pretty but I do believe progress is being made. Nothing will take away the pain, however, I do believe I can find peace and closure and will eventually be able to move on.

Facing the fears and pain attached to those memories is probably the toughest thing I will ever have to do. The important thing is that I am finally getting it out. This, although extremely difficult has been very empowering for me. As I type this I kid you not; I can feel that something has changed, is changing and for the first time in a very long time I can truthfully say that I feel hope!

I can only imagine that this gift I’ve been given comes from none other than God himself. He is busy working in my life and I am overcome with gratitude. One great thing about the lack of sleep I’ve been experiencing this month is that it has allowed me the opportunity to meditate, turning to God for direction; placing my worries in God’s hands, where they should have been all the time. Patience is not my strong suit and it’s fair to say that I’ve been impatient even with God, and especially with myself. I just didn’t get it. Why after all my tears and all my prayers had he not answered me? I’m beginning to gain a better understanding now. God has been here all along, it is I who was unable or unwilling to listen.  I have been so closed minded that I felt literally rooted to the ground, and have spent the last ten years living in the first twenty years of my life. Does that make sense? I’ve been stuck in the past and with blinders on and negative gears turning in my brain there was no way that before now I could have ever found closure.

I really believe that I am finally ready to let God work his miracle in my life. I haven’t exactly been fair to myself. I’ve beaten myself up, neglected my body, mind, and spirit and blamed myself for things that were beyond my control. It’s time for change. I do deserve the same happiness that I wish for my children, and I realize that I am in control; always have been.  I gave my power away but it belongs to me and I am taking it back. I will no longer allow the negative forces to infiltrate my thinking, and I will not let the pain you placed upon my heart ruin one more day of my future. You have had control for long enough. I AM BACK!!!! That is not a threat; that is a promise.

This I realize is only the beginning. I know that I will probably be healing for years to come and I have only begun to touch the surface of the pain placed upon my heart but this is a first step for me and it has me genuinely excited about my tomorrow! I honestly believe it can only go up from here. I’ve hit rock bottom, even made a couple visits to hell and I’m still here to tell my story. The positive thing is knowing that I am strong enough to get through anything. It’s a way of thinking and I have my work cut out for me in trying to retrain my brain to think positively but I am capable and with God on my side I will succeed.   

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

To my followers: Good night (morning) and God Bless