Dear Lord

Today was a bit of a struggle for me, and although I know that “this too shall pass”, I can’t help but feel a bit sad today. The emotions wait to erupt, as I’ve tried desperately to keep my composure. With tears rolling down my face I come to you because I know that no one knows me better than you Lord. You know me inside and out. You know my needs, my wants, and even my dreams. You know the people, places and things I hold near and dear to my heart and you know what hurts me most. You know my internal struggles as well as the struggles I face day to day within the outside world. Not one single person will ever know me the way you do Lord nor can any human being Love me the way you do. Because I know this Lord, is the reason I come to you Lord. I believe that if my life can be saved Lord it will only be through you.

It has become quite easy Lord, for me to feel sorry for myself and for me to blame anyone and everyone around me for anything and everything that goes wrong in my life; knowing all along Lord that I and only I hold the keys to my happiness and success. I vowed to myself Lord to be strong long ago and over the years I have let myself down more times than I care to admit, however Lord I know that in order to move forward I must first forgive myself. Some time ago I made an unconscious decision to let go of the girl I use to be, and only recently have I been able to acknowledge and admit that this may not have been such a wise decision. Lord, the little girl I left behind is a part of me, she is me, and in order to be whole again I now realize I must find her, heal her and then let her back into my life.

Lord this is difficult for me and I come to you tonight because I know that with you and through you I can and will find the wholeness I look for, and with you Lord I will piece back together my broken, shattered existence. The little girl whom I have for so long refused to acknowledge is broken Lord. I ignore her out of fear of the emotions she will bring to surface Lord and this is why I need you. I need you to wrap your arms around me, be my strength when I feel I have none. Allow me to face my fears Lord once and for all so that I can finally lay my past to rest. I need to bury it Lord and I need to finally mourn for those things that I have lost so that I can heal Lord. I am tired Lord and have become aged and rugged before my time Lord. I want to feel joy, to feel happiness and to feel young and full of life again Lord. Through you Lord I know this is a possibility. I can and I will smile again.

Hold her tiny hand Lord. She’s going to need you. I’ll introduce you, more for myself than for you Lord, I again, know that you know all things, but for myself I will re-introduce her. Her name is Wendy Anne and she is five, maybe six and she is alone and afraid Lord. She hugs her pillow tightly Lord so that her cries will be muffled. She looks for you Lord and as she hugs her tear soaked pillow she prays. “Lord heal my family, make us whole Lord. Show us Lord the way to be happy, Show us Lord how to love and how to forget the pain. Why Lord, Why, WHY??? Why me Lord I am so tiny and I could not protect myself. I didn’t have a chance Lord. He hurt me Lord, they’ve hurt me Lord, They let me down but I know that you will not Lord. Save me Lord. Heal my wounds , make my life and my family normal. I want to be normal Lord. Make him love me Lord. Why doesn’t he want to see me Lord? What did I do Lord? I want my daddy Lord. I want my mommy Lord. Make them see Lord. I can’t tell, I won’t tell Lord. This isn’t fair Lord.

Hold her tiny hand Lord. She’s going to need you. Her name is Wendy Anne and she is seven maybe eight and she is alone, confused and afraid Lord. She hugs her pillow tightly Lord, and buries her face even deeper because her cries are getting louder and harder to hide Lord. She seeks you once again Lord. She can only pray in her mind Lord but she knows that you can hear her. Lord?, she asks why? Why me Lord why do I feel so afraid. Why Lord can I not make friends, what am I so afraid of. Lord why am I so different and why don’t they want to know me? Lord heal my family, make us whole Lord. Show me how to be happy Lord and take away this pain that is robbing me from my life. Why Lord do they hurt me? Why does he touch me there Lord? This I know isn’t right Lord and I feel nasty Lord. I am afraid Lord but I have no voice I am frozen and I can not protect myself Lord. Make him stop Lord, love him Lord and heal him so that he doesn’t hurt another Lord. I am confused Lord because I love him and fear him all at the same time. Why Lord…Just tell me WHY????

Hold her hand Lord. She’s going to need you. Her name is Wendy Anne and she is twelve, maybe thirteen and she feels so alone Lord, she is confused and needs your guidance Lord. She hugs her pillow tightly Lord and again she cries Lord, and she come to you in prayer Lord. She is growing up now Lord and things are more confusing than ever Lord. She Prays to you Lord and she asks Why? Why Lord did we have to move Lord. Why did they do this to me Lord. My only friend and they have taken her away from me. It just doesn’t seem fair Lord why oh why does it have to hurt so bad. I will miss her Lord and my life is never going to be the same. I allowed myself to love and be loved Lord. I trusted that we would never be separated but they have gone and messed that all up now. What am I going to do Lord? She was the only one I could talk to Lord. Now I have no one. I miss my friend Lord, when they separated us they literally took a piece of me away and I’ll never get that back. It was so hard to open up and trust and I’ve lost the only thing that ever made me feel normal. Why Lord do they hurt me and why do they ignore my pain Lord? Why Lord does he still do those things to me Lord? This isn’t right Lord and I feel I’d rather die than continue to live the dirty little secret. I am growing up Lord but still I am just a child. Love him Lord, heal him so that he doesn’t hurt another Lord. And make those negative, discouraging words stop Lord. Why does he hate us so much Lord. Why does he think I am stupid and worthless Lord. What am I doing wrong Lord? Protect me Lord and make it all go away. Lord make my family normal. I can’t take this Lord. No one knows what I really feel and what really goes on inside my head and inside my world. I learned from a young age Lord to lie, to pretend and to keep my dirty little secrets. They don’t know Lord but you do, you understand my pain, my tears and my fear. The kids at school Lord they are so cruel, but they have no idea what goes on inside my world Lord. Why don’t they noticed Lord, I am tired of pretending and I fear I can’t go on Lord. I know they think I’m strange and maybe they are right. I am afraid of everyone Lord and it’s so hard just getting through the day. When people get close I am filled with fear. I will not open myself up to being hurt by anyone else Lord. You understand don’t you. I can’t trust them. I’d rather be alone. I am confused Lord because I love them and fear them at the same time Lord. Make them stop, this isn’t right. I deserve a shot a life, at living a normal life, don’t I Lord.

　

　

To Be Continued………………………………..................................................