Lost

I had all these ideas and plans in mind when I started this blog and now I can't seem to remember why I started it to begin with. For some reason I Have this need for everyone around me to understand me and through my blog I guess maybe I thought it would be a way to show a side of myself that many don't know or don't understand. I wonder though, why is it so important that they understand me or why do I need their approval or acceptance? Why do I even give a crap? What is it really that I am searching for? Why would I want anyone to see this side of me?

The last two days have been a struggle for me and I am feeling really vulnerable right now. I have that angry feeling where I just want to say f the world and everyone in it. I mean I fight so hard to get the approval of every one around me when it's clear that no one gives a damn about Wendy and her mental issues. Why in the Hell do I even bother? Why can't I just learn to accept myself; that after all is really all I want? No one is interested in my sob stories and I can't say I blame them.

I don’t even feel like typing but I feel like if I don’t get something out, I am going to explode. The truth is I’m a horrible person. I am cruel and selfish and a huge disappointment. I have failed those most important to me and for that I don’t even deserve to feel true happiness. It’s not fair to those around me to have to deal with my rollercoaster emotions and the drama that comes with it, so why do I subject them to it? I’m frustrated again and I hate feeling this way.

The littlest things set me off and I don’t understand it. I’m always complaining and I never have anything positive to say it’s no wonder that no one wants to listen or be around me anymore. Damn it I’m still living in the past. Why can’t I escape? Do I like it here so much that I am purposely torturing myself? Why do I feel like I deserve to live this way? God I really want to forgive myself, so why can’t I? What the hell is wrong with me?

I can see it ya know, in my mind, in my dreams; being happy and healthy and at peace with myself and my past. I picture myself running in the yard with my children laughing until our bellies hurt. I’m a hundred pounds lighter with my hair fixed, makeup on, and I feel confident again. It feels good. But then again it’s only a dream. It’s so close, yet so far away. It feels so real at times that when reality hits it’s literally like I was hit by a ton of bricks. I am sick and tired of my own bullshit! I hate hating myself but it is what it is. I try, I really do.  I’m weak. I’m a coward and I am ashamed of who I have become.

I want to run away again, and I wish I didn’t care. I don’t want to care. Wouldn’t that make it easier? To feel nothing, so I could leave without guilt. I am a mess but I know it and I can admit it. My kids deserve better so why can’t I just snap out of what ever it is and come back to life. I’m tired and I don’t make much sense.

I have nothing left to say…….