Note To Self

Decisions need to be made, and you know me I hate making decisions. I'd rather someone else make them for me and then, well, duh if things turned out wrong then they could be to blame; but then what would I learn from that. Nothing! I need to woman up and pull myself together. Yes I need to hear that and yes it's the truth. The truth hurts, so what. Get up girl. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Stop making excuses and go after what could be the answer to all your prayers. Yes that's right, it could go all go wrong but what if it doesn't? What if the choice you make is the right choice? What if the only thing holding you back from all the hopes and dreams you had for yourself and your children is the fact that you won't take that leap of faith? Life is tough, so what, deal with it. You've been through worse...and made it out alive. This is only a stepping stone, one that'll lead to the next chapter of your life. What are you so afraid of anyway?


“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone, and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others" -Mariamme Williamson


Most of my life I've lived in fear. Fear of not being loved, fear of being abandoned, forgotten or mistreated, fear of failing, fear of public speaking, fear of being alone, fear of relationships, fear of not being good enough, smart enough or pretty enough, and now fear of the unknown. Maybe it’s true that “our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate”, but instead that we “are powerful beyond measure”! What if my problem lies with the fact that I still don’t believe I am worthy of the kind of life I so desperately want. What if I am afraid of the power I hold within myself? What if that’s it? Could it be possible that I’m afraid of what I am capable of? How can that be possible? Why would that frighten me?

As far back as I can commit to memory, I remember thinking that one day I’d do something so big and powerful that it would change the world forever. I remember lying on my bed daydreaming about building a mansion so I could adopt all the kids in the world who were being abused or who didn’t have families. I’d dream about my best friend and me preparing meals for, and feeding the homeless.  Do all little kids think this or was it just I? I’m not sure but I do know how wonderful it made me feel. I felt strong and proud and had no doubts back then that I would be influential, that others would one day look up to me. That desire still burns deep inside my heart; however the confidence burned out years ago. I still believe, I could have that potential, should I put in the effort but things always get in the way; mainly myself. Why am I holding myself back? It just doesn’t make any sense. I know myself better than anyone and I know I have the power to make a difference in this world. My heart is so big and full of love and compassion. That’s what I want to pursue. I don’t want to just get by, or just work at another dead in job. I want to put my heart to work. I want to make that difference I always dreamed of making as a child.

Could it be possible that as I write this blog that things are happening just as they should? Is it possible that this conversation with myself was meant to happen at just this moment so that my eyes could be opened to something bigger? I feel something unexplainable right now but I’ve felt it before. That I can’t deny. Many times actually and each time I have ran from it. Is this how God talks to us? Could these feelings be God trying to communicate? Is it possible that I have been running not from myself but from my purpose, from God and his calling for me? Wow, I’m emotional again. It’s ok. I give myself permission to cry. There is something so much more powerful and more beautiful than anything or anyone on the face of this earth and I could be apart of that. I am a part of that. Ok so there is no denying that my bigger purpose awaits me. I’m tired of running so where are the brakes? I’m listening God; if that’s you. Tell me where you need me and what I need to do. I don’t want this life as I live it anymore. I want to work for you. My heart is open and my soul yearns. I’m not alone. I’M NOT ALONE. I feel you Lord. You are with me all the time, by my side you’ve walked with me through many difficult times now let me repay the favor Lord, let me walk with you.

Deep breath......let it escape….another deep breath. Ok I’m good now. I had to get it out…the cry that is. I feel better. So many things running through my mind, and I am super excited about the possibilities that await me. I have no doubt that my life will turn around and I have no doubt that I will make of it all that and more that I dreamed about as a child. I can and will make this happen. My children deserve that and so much more. I will be a model to them. I will lead by example. That is the best gift I could give them. I have to believe in the good. I talk all the time about taking a stand; about people coming together to make a difference. Perhaps it’s God trying to tell me it’s time! Time I take a stand and start practicing what I preach.

I have much to think about tonight as I prepare myself for another night of sleep. I will definitely be saying my prayers tonight. I know God will listen and I know that he also will answer. It is I who needs to listen. The answers wait should I be ready to really listen. To those of you who I know are also praying for me, I want to say thank you. Thank you for being the kind of people who genuinely care. Thanks for having my back and for always offering your generous words of encouragement. Without you my life would not be complete. I love you all dearly. Thanks for believing in me and my capabilities. It is each of you and God that gets me through.

Until next time my followers; Good night and God Bless!!!!