Confusion

The last few days have been rather overwhelming for me. My sleep patterns are all over the place. I’ll go a couple days without sleep and then sleep for a whole day only to do repeat the pattern. I know it’s not good for me and I realize it can affect the way I feel. I just have no idea how to regain control. This perhaps contributes the emotional rollercoaster I’ve been on recently. One minute I feel good the next I feel horrible. One minute I’m happy and on top of the world and the next I’ve come close to rock bottom again and I’m an emotional mess. One minute I know exactly what I want and what I’m going to do and the next I don’t even have a clue. I’m sorry I haven’t had many positive posts lately, but this is the way I chose to get it out at the moment. Thanks for being patient with me.

My thoughts are being pulled in a million directions and I can feel myself on the verge of losing it again. I’m on the verge of losing what exactly; my sanity perhaps?  Why is it so difficult to make life changing decisions? I know exactly what needs to happen and even what I would need to do to make it happen; I just don't have myself fully convinced yet that I am ready beyond a reasonable doubt. Last nights blog only touched the surface of what's going on inside this head of mine.

I know a part of the problem is that I want to please everyone. I can’t even stomach the thought of disappointing. I want everyone to be proud of me and I want to say and do things that will please those that I care about. So why is it that I feel the need to be a people pleaser? Why do I worry myself sick, literally, over how others perceive me? My entire existence has revolved around those exact thoughts and not because anybody expects me to do what would make them feel better. I just feel some kind of need to do it. I am petrified of being disliked or judged. It literally tears me to pieces when I think someone doesn’t like me; even those that don't matter. Why?

Sure I realize it is almost entirely a self esteem issue. I live with these absurd anxieties every day that prohibit me from doing things that most people take for granted; job interviews, applications, shaking hands, talking to strangers, standing up for myself and so on and so on.  I can remember a time when my anxieties were so bad I couldn't even call in a pizza order. Seriously and I’m not kidding. I knew that the people on the other end couldn't see me and didn't have a clue who I was but still I couldn't help but feel like they would somehow be critiquing me on the other end of the phone. Imagine the looks I got when someone says hey call and order a pizza and I’m like no you do it…. Not funny.

I am emotionally exhausted right now and just can’t pull my thoughts together enough to formulate what it is I’m really trying to say here so…….

…until next time good day and God Bless.