So this along with the last several posts I made today are a few journal entries from over the last year or so .....Recently inspired I think I'm ready to write again so I'm updating my blog and getting ready to start again!! I love going back and revisiting thoughts from my journals...it's great to reflect and great to see how far I'm come...I guess I wasn't as hopeless and helpless as I once believed! Feeling good and better than ever!
The truth is my past still lives with me, haunting me like a plague. Every experience of pain follows me like a stalker. I can not pretend any more, can not force myself to forget when every day situations and experiences trigger past memories. I just want to scream. I want to close my eyes and pretend that all the pain that lives deep within my heart is not really a part of me. I want to pretend that my life was perfect and that the hurt placed upon me didn’t change me; didn’t shape me into this frightened, lonely, unstable, child-like adult. I want to grab an eraser and erase all those memories that have left scars deep within my soul. I walk through like with my shoulders down, not by choice but from the weight of all the baggage I carry along. I try to take it from my shoulders but like a dog chasing its tail I never can get a hold of it. Round and Round I go like a merry go round. Up and down I go as if on a rollercoaster. Highs then lows. When will this ever end? How long must I pretend? I’ve lied and cried until I just can’t focus on what’s real any more. Lost in this big world with no one to turn, no where to go. I close my eyes and can for a just a moment feel freedom. I imagine what it would be like to not wake up, no to have the responsibilities and struggles that life has dealt. It feels good. I want to escape but the person that God created in me will not let me. Like a criminal I am a prisoner. A prisoner of my own making. I isolate myself over and over again and each time I feel myself traveling deeper into the tunnel. I’m then left wondering if this time I’ll make it back out on the other side or will this be my last journey into the darkness. I choke, I can not breath. I am suffocating ... No wait I see light, ahhhh then air slowly fills my lungs and I emerge once again from a place I thought I would not escape. I did it, I tell myself over and over again. I’m stronger now. I can continue on, and I
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