Lesson Learned

He lured me in with words that would flatter any young woman. He told me all the things I needed to hear and I believed them. He was funny. The laughter was something I needed in my life and he could make me laugh even in my darkest moment. He was handsome and had an amazing smile that proved to be contagious.  He was a big guy; around five feet 10 inches tall and weighed around two hundred and twenty pounds.  He was strong and outgoing and would defend me in a second. I felt safe with him. He was gentle and caring and offered me comfort when I needed it. I trusted him. He was my husband, my best friend, and he has been one of the most influential people in my life.

He noticed me long before I noticed him and wasn‘t the least bit shy about letting his feelings known. He was persistent and determined that one way or another he would make me his girl.  I had my doubts but I was lonely and desperate for love.  A single mother of three young children made me an easy target. He made friendly with my children, playing with them, filling in where their father lacked. He was almost everything I wanted. With a little bit of work, I thought, this could work, and so I gave in.

The first few months were great. It was new. It was fun and exciting and he made me happy.  Everything he did was either about me or my children. He was amazing and we were in love. The relationship moved rather quickly but I didn’t mind because my children were happy and to me that was most important.  I remember thinking to myself how blessed I was to have him in my life.

Over time the guy I fell in love with began to change.  Brian became a monster. A “bad man” as my children would later refer to him.  It happen gradually and the small changes were easy to dismiss as I was in love and had finally found who I thought was someone I would share the rest of my life with.  The jealousy at first was cute, I thought it meant he loved me, however, soon the jealousy got out of hand and I couldn’t so much as glance at another man without him calling me a name. He began to pick away at my esteem by calling me ugly or stupid and telling me anything else he knew would hurt.  He became more and more controlling. I couldn’t work without him calling the job over and over again and slowly but surely he had isolated me from my family and friends. When I started attending college he did everything in his power to prevent me from going. He would stay out all night and come home in  rages.  Brian had changed, he was angry and violent and demanding.

His heavy footsteps were easily heard as he stomped up the steps and onto the front porch and clumsily fumbled for his keys. He dropped them twice before finally managing to get the door open. The door slammed behind him and I remember my body jumping at the sound. I was lying in bed pretending to be asleep when he stumbled into the room demanding that I satisfy his needs. When I refused he walks to the opposite side of the bed as I and picked up the mattress, tossing everything on it, including myself to the floor.  He then proceeds to lay his body on top of the mattress. I was still beneath. This was the first time I remember being afraid of who he had became and what he was capable of.  He scared me and I remember pleading for him to get up. “I can not breathe…please get off me”. It was as if the world stood still.  After what felt like hours, he did get off of me.   I managed to pull myself from under the mattress and in shock I just stared up at him. “You’re scaring me” I said over and over again as I watched him destroy our bedroom, kicking the television to the floor and throwing anything he could get his hands on. The rage passed and eventually he went to his couch where he fell asleep. That moment and who he had become has stayed with me ever since. That man I watched him turn into changed who I was forever.

I later learned that he was high on cocaine that night and that he had been using the whole time we were together.  He hid in well in the beginning or maybe I just didn’t want to see the signs but either way he was living as two separate people and with one of those I was still very much in love with. I stayed with him, even after that night.  His addiction gave me an excuse for his behavior.  The abuse got worse both mentally and physically and each time he hit, pinched or punched me I readily excused it, by convincing myself that it was not him but the drugs that caused him to abuse me.  He had broke me down so bad that I actually believed I was the reason for his behavior, that I had somehow caused it or asked for it. 

As he changed so did I and so did my children. Unfortunately they were witness to much of this abuse and even though he never raised a hand to them it soon became evident that they were being affected. They cried a lot and their happy personalities became sad.  Then is when I realized I had to get out. My children came first and the man I once loved had turned into a man I now feared. It was time.

The Brian I fell in love with still lives with me in heart and memories. I still love him to this day. He was kind, loving and gentle and was a good dad when he really tried. He taught me to give openly, to love unconditionally and to fight for what’s right and important. He taught me to relax and enjoy life a little, to be spontaneous and most importantly he taught me to laugh. I will forever be thankful to him for those things he left me with. 

The monster in Brain or the “bad man” also still lives with me to this day. It’s been three years since I escaped his abuse and there are still things in my present life that seems to trigger memories of past. For a very long time I lived in fear. I feared he would come after me and I feared the possibility that he may actually be capable of killing me. He went from being loving to dangerous in a matter of a year.  The monster in him also taught me to give openly, to love unconditionally, and to fight for what is right, but also through him I learned patience, understanding, compassion and empathy.  The monster in Brian taught me to be strong and tough and to stand up for myself.  He also taught me what I did not want my daughter to grow up thinking was the way women should be treated and what I did not want my two sons to grow up thinking was the way to treat women. He taught me to set my expectations high and not to settle for less.

The things I learned from Brian have given me great insight into my life, my needs, my wants and my dreams and from my relationship with him I have learned many things. This is why I considered him to be someone who has influenced my life in a powerful way. He left me with good and bad memories and from each of them I can take something away for each in its own unique way has helped shape me into the woman I am today.