I came across this poem and thought I would share! God Bless!!
LETTING GO TAKES LOVE
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more
and
To let go and to let God, is to find peace !
Author Unknown
Me
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
Born Anew
Today, at age thirty, I learned for the first time just how much I love and need my mother. Yes I know that sounds a bit strange even for me, ecspecially considering that she has been apart of my life for it's entirety. We have always maintained a relationship through the years but I sadly always felt a bit distant from her and oddly enough wished we were closer. It's kind of crazy because she has always been the one person to have my back through out my life, yet still I felt something was missing. perhaps it was I who in my own guilt driven feelings of unworthiness kept a wedge between us. I think I can see it now.
During recent months I did feel like there was a different kind of bond being built between us. I for the first time was able to open up to her about my childhood trauma and for the first time in my life I actually felt heard. My pain was acknowledged and that has played such a huge role in my growth and healing, She says she's noticed changes in me but some of those are in part thanks to her. She has given me an outlet and I'm so thankful for that.
So today out of the blue I recieved a phone call from mom telling me about a wonderful job opportunity she had just received. I was happy for her..... and then I heard something about it being out of state and blah blah blah....six to eight weeks...blah blah blah....literally that is all I could hear. The smile on my face quickly faded and I was speechless probably for the first time in my life. My heart sank, there was a knot in my throat and without any warning panic filled my heart and I choked back tears. I heard "I thought you would be happy." HAPPY??? ARE YOU KIDDING ME is what I was thinking but not wanting to be rude all I could manage was "I'll have to call you back". Click I hung up the phone and even before I could lay the phone on the desk I burst into tears, crying like a little girl who was just told by her mom that she was moving away and leaving her behind. I had no idea where these emotions were coming from and even after she came to my house to check on me I still couldn't admit what had me upset. I love my Mother dearly and don't think I could live without her. Literally. Not is some crazy dependent way but because I love her and because she is my best friend. It took thirty years for me to realize this but I'm so thankful to have been blessed with this realization. I will no longer see her the same way again. Our relationship was born anew today and also born today was a new found respect for her.
It's crazy now how much time I let pass me by not cherishing her words of wisdom, her tender hugs, her late night phone calls when I was on the verge of a meltdown, all the time, sweat and tears she put into helping me raise my children, and all the many many times she's lifted me up from the deep clenches of depression telling me that this to shall pass. I'm sorry I haven't been more appreciate of her. I'm sorry I didn't tell her more often how special she is to me and I'm sorry I didn't tell her I loved her enough. But thankful so very thankful that I still have the rest of her life to make that up to her, and I will!
Tonight I will sleep peaceful knowing that if all else fails and the entire world turns their backs it will still be ok cause I'll always have one person in my corner....My Wonderful Mother!!!!
During recent months I did feel like there was a different kind of bond being built between us. I for the first time was able to open up to her about my childhood trauma and for the first time in my life I actually felt heard. My pain was acknowledged and that has played such a huge role in my growth and healing, She says she's noticed changes in me but some of those are in part thanks to her. She has given me an outlet and I'm so thankful for that.
So today out of the blue I recieved a phone call from mom telling me about a wonderful job opportunity she had just received. I was happy for her..... and then I heard something about it being out of state and blah blah blah....six to eight weeks...blah blah blah....literally that is all I could hear. The smile on my face quickly faded and I was speechless probably for the first time in my life. My heart sank, there was a knot in my throat and without any warning panic filled my heart and I choked back tears. I heard "I thought you would be happy." HAPPY??? ARE YOU KIDDING ME is what I was thinking but not wanting to be rude all I could manage was "I'll have to call you back". Click I hung up the phone and even before I could lay the phone on the desk I burst into tears, crying like a little girl who was just told by her mom that she was moving away and leaving her behind. I had no idea where these emotions were coming from and even after she came to my house to check on me I still couldn't admit what had me upset. I love my Mother dearly and don't think I could live without her. Literally. Not is some crazy dependent way but because I love her and because she is my best friend. It took thirty years for me to realize this but I'm so thankful to have been blessed with this realization. I will no longer see her the same way again. Our relationship was born anew today and also born today was a new found respect for her.
It's crazy now how much time I let pass me by not cherishing her words of wisdom, her tender hugs, her late night phone calls when I was on the verge of a meltdown, all the time, sweat and tears she put into helping me raise my children, and all the many many times she's lifted me up from the deep clenches of depression telling me that this to shall pass. I'm sorry I haven't been more appreciate of her. I'm sorry I didn't tell her more often how special she is to me and I'm sorry I didn't tell her I loved her enough. But thankful so very thankful that I still have the rest of her life to make that up to her, and I will!
Tonight I will sleep peaceful knowing that if all else fails and the entire world turns their backs it will still be ok cause I'll always have one person in my corner....My Wonderful Mother!!!!
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
I came across this poem
WHEN I'M HURTING
It's easier for you to walk away, than it is for you to reach out to me.
It's easier for you to look away, than it is for you to see the depth of my despair.
It's easier for you to look through me, than it is for you to see "me."
It's easier for you to distance yourself, than it is for you to really care.
It's easier for you to hear, than it is for you to listen.
It's easier for you to judge, than it is for you to understand.
It's easier for you to label, than it is to get acquainted.
It's easier for you to bask in your joy, than it is for you to feel my pain.
It's easier for you to bewilder at my mysteries, than it is for you to probe deeply into the depths of my soul.
It's easier for me to look away, than it is to let you see the feelings betrayed through my eyes.
It's easier for me to cry, than it is for me to talk.
It's easier for me to walk alone, than it is to risk rejection.
It's easier for me to push you away, than it is for me to be held.
It's easier for me to distance myself, than it is to trust that you won´t hurt me.
It's easier for me to die, than it is for me to face life's challenges.
It's hard for me to smile when I am hurting.
It's hard for me to talk when you won't understand.
It's hard for me to reach out when I need help the most.
If only you'd really look at me and see who I am.
If only you cared enough to reach out when I push you away.
If only you'd hold me, without asking why.
If only you'd acknowledge the validity of my feelings.
But it's the easy roads that are most often taken.
And so I hurt alone.
--Jo A. Witt
Copyright 2000
It's easier for you to walk away, than it is for you to reach out to me.
It's easier for you to look away, than it is for you to see the depth of my despair.
It's easier for you to look through me, than it is for you to see "me."
It's easier for you to distance yourself, than it is for you to really care.
It's easier for you to hear, than it is for you to listen.
It's easier for you to judge, than it is for you to understand.
It's easier for you to label, than it is to get acquainted.
It's easier for you to bask in your joy, than it is for you to feel my pain.
It's easier for you to bewilder at my mysteries, than it is for you to probe deeply into the depths of my soul.
It's easier for me to look away, than it is to let you see the feelings betrayed through my eyes.
It's easier for me to cry, than it is for me to talk.
It's easier for me to walk alone, than it is to risk rejection.
It's easier for me to push you away, than it is for me to be held.
It's easier for me to distance myself, than it is to trust that you won´t hurt me.
It's easier for me to die, than it is for me to face life's challenges.
It's hard for me to smile when I am hurting.
It's hard for me to talk when you won't understand.
It's hard for me to reach out when I need help the most.
If only you'd really look at me and see who I am.
If only you cared enough to reach out when I push you away.
If only you'd hold me, without asking why.
If only you'd acknowledge the validity of my feelings.
But it's the easy roads that are most often taken.
And so I hurt alone.
--Jo A. Witt
Copyright 2000
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Lord I need you
Lord, I am wounded. I hurt. I am helpless. I am broken. I am vulnerable. Nothing I can do by my own hand can protect me. Help me, for without your mercy and protection, I will perish. Into your hands, O Lord, I commend my spirit.
Loving Father,
I come before You with faith in Your promise that whatever I ask for in Your name You will grant to me if it is for the good of my soul and in accordance with Your Divine Will. I come trusting in Your great love for me and believing that only You know what is best for me.
I come to You now to ask that You enter my heart and heal all my wounded emotions. You know me better than I know myself. Bring Your healing love into every corner of my heart and release all the buried negative emotions inside that have not been resolved and continue to cause me anguish.
Remove all my unhealed hurts and painful memories that block the flow of Your graces, robbing me of Your peace, love and joy. Heal all feelings of sadness, loneliness, fear and anxiety Heal all guilt, despair, feelings of betrayal and rejection. Heal all feelings of anger, hatred, resentment and bitterness.
Bring Your healing love to all my emotions that have caused me feelings of hopelessness, discouragement, helplessness and despair. Grant me the grace to forgive all those who caused negative emotions and likewise to be forgiven by those to whom I have done the same harm.
O, Lord, give me a repentant heart, forgive me for my sins and failures, and be merciful to me Help me to realize the blessings that resulted from each painful experience and how this had led me closer to you.
As You release from me all these painful emotions, fill all the empty spaces with Your love, Your peace, Your joy and the powerful presence of Your Holy Spirit. After I have been healed, may my life be a witness to Your power and glory and may I reach out to others, too.
All these I pray in Jesus name through Mary and all the angels and saints. Amen
Loving Father,
I come before You with faith in Your promise that whatever I ask for in Your name You will grant to me if it is for the good of my soul and in accordance with Your Divine Will. I come trusting in Your great love for me and believing that only You know what is best for me.
I come to You now to ask that You enter my heart and heal all my wounded emotions. You know me better than I know myself. Bring Your healing love into every corner of my heart and release all the buried negative emotions inside that have not been resolved and continue to cause me anguish.
Remove all my unhealed hurts and painful memories that block the flow of Your graces, robbing me of Your peace, love and joy. Heal all feelings of sadness, loneliness, fear and anxiety Heal all guilt, despair, feelings of betrayal and rejection. Heal all feelings of anger, hatred, resentment and bitterness.
Bring Your healing love to all my emotions that have caused me feelings of hopelessness, discouragement, helplessness and despair. Grant me the grace to forgive all those who caused negative emotions and likewise to be forgiven by those to whom I have done the same harm.
O, Lord, give me a repentant heart, forgive me for my sins and failures, and be merciful to me Help me to realize the blessings that resulted from each painful experience and how this had led me closer to you.
As You release from me all these painful emotions, fill all the empty spaces with Your love, Your peace, Your joy and the powerful presence of Your Holy Spirit. After I have been healed, may my life be a witness to Your power and glory and may I reach out to others, too.
All these I pray in Jesus name through Mary and all the angels and saints. Amen
Lost
I had all these ideas and plans in mind when I started this blog and now I can't seem to remember why I started it to begin with. For some reason I Have this need for everyone around me to understand me and through my blog I guess maybe I thought it would be a way to show a side of myself that many don't know or don't understand. I wonder though, why is it so important that they understand me or why do I need their approval or acceptance? Why do I even give a crap? What is it really that I am searching for? Why would I want anyone to see this side of me?
The last two days have been a struggle for me and I am feeling really vulnerable right now. I have that angry feeling where I just want to say f the world and everyone in it. I mean I fight so hard to get the approval of every one around me when it's clear that no one gives a damn about Wendy and her mental issues. Why in the Hell do I even bother? Why can't I just learn to accept myself; that after all is really all I want? No one is interested in my sob stories and I can't say I blame them.
I don’t even feel like typing but I feel like if I don’t get something out, I am going to explode. The truth is I’m a horrible person. I am cruel and selfish and a huge disappointment. I have failed those most important to me and for that I don’t even deserve to feel true happiness. It’s not fair to those around me to have to deal with my rollercoaster emotions and the drama that comes with it, so why do I subject them to it? I’m frustrated again and I hate feeling this way.
The littlest things set me off and I don’t understand it. I’m always complaining and I never have anything positive to say it’s no wonder that no one wants to listen or be around me anymore. Damn it I’m still living in the past. Why can’t I escape? Do I like it here so much that I am purposely torturing myself? Why do I feel like I deserve to live this way? God I really want to forgive myself, so why can’t I? What the hell is wrong with me?
I can see it ya know, in my mind, in my dreams; being happy and healthy and at peace with myself and my past. I picture myself running in the yard with my children laughing until our bellies hurt. I’m a hundred pounds lighter with my hair fixed, makeup on, and I feel confident again. It feels good. But then again it’s only a dream. It’s so close, yet so far away. It feels so real at times that when reality hits it’s literally like I was hit by a ton of bricks. I am sick and tired of my own bullshit! I hate hating myself but it is what it is. I try, I really do. I’m weak. I’m a coward and I am ashamed of who I have become.
I want to run away again, and I wish I didn’t care. I don’t want to care. Wouldn’t that make it easier? To feel nothing, so I could leave without guilt. I am a mess but I know it and I can admit it. My kids deserve better so why can’t I just snap out of what ever it is and come back to life. I’m tired and I don’t make much sense.
I have nothing left to say…….
The last two days have been a struggle for me and I am feeling really vulnerable right now. I have that angry feeling where I just want to say f the world and everyone in it. I mean I fight so hard to get the approval of every one around me when it's clear that no one gives a damn about Wendy and her mental issues. Why in the Hell do I even bother? Why can't I just learn to accept myself; that after all is really all I want? No one is interested in my sob stories and I can't say I blame them.
I don’t even feel like typing but I feel like if I don’t get something out, I am going to explode. The truth is I’m a horrible person. I am cruel and selfish and a huge disappointment. I have failed those most important to me and for that I don’t even deserve to feel true happiness. It’s not fair to those around me to have to deal with my rollercoaster emotions and the drama that comes with it, so why do I subject them to it? I’m frustrated again and I hate feeling this way.
The littlest things set me off and I don’t understand it. I’m always complaining and I never have anything positive to say it’s no wonder that no one wants to listen or be around me anymore. Damn it I’m still living in the past. Why can’t I escape? Do I like it here so much that I am purposely torturing myself? Why do I feel like I deserve to live this way? God I really want to forgive myself, so why can’t I? What the hell is wrong with me?
I can see it ya know, in my mind, in my dreams; being happy and healthy and at peace with myself and my past. I picture myself running in the yard with my children laughing until our bellies hurt. I’m a hundred pounds lighter with my hair fixed, makeup on, and I feel confident again. It feels good. But then again it’s only a dream. It’s so close, yet so far away. It feels so real at times that when reality hits it’s literally like I was hit by a ton of bricks. I am sick and tired of my own bullshit! I hate hating myself but it is what it is. I try, I really do. I’m weak. I’m a coward and I am ashamed of who I have become.
I want to run away again, and I wish I didn’t care. I don’t want to care. Wouldn’t that make it easier? To feel nothing, so I could leave without guilt. I am a mess but I know it and I can admit it. My kids deserve better so why can’t I just snap out of what ever it is and come back to life. I’m tired and I don’t make much sense.
I have nothing left to say…….
Monday, April 4, 2011
Progress
Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.
Proverbs 3, 5-6
Writing for me is a way for me to make sense of my life, a path of reflection, to find truth and clarity. Writing gives me a platform; a place where I can be completely honest; no masks or untruths, only the real and sometimes heartbreaking realities. Here is where I can be me without fear of being judged. It is here that I find solace, and is often the only thing keeping me from insanity.
I can vaguely remember one of my many therapists telling me that it was important that I find someone to tell my story to. It did not matter to whom as long I trusted them and as long as I was honest and forthcoming about not just parts but all of my experiences. I thought he was crazy at the time. How in the world would that help? Nothing was going to take away my pain and it would not make it go away, so how could talking about it make any difference? So for years I chose to stuff it far away and refused to even acknowledge its existence. This pain was rooted so deeply that I, for years could not even recognize how troubled I’d become, and how ignoring it had actually done more damage.
For the first time in my life I feel like I may possibly be making progress in my healing. Over the last week, and for the first time ever I have put a voice to some deep rooted pain that until now had been a secret. I am opening up and I am eternally thankful for my listener. I’m definitely still a work in progress with that but my journey has begun. Why or what happened to trigger this I have yet to put my finger on but God has blessed me this week with the strength and courage to finally put words to my feelings. It hasn’t been easy and it definitely hasn’t been pretty but I do believe progress is being made. Nothing will take away the pain, however, I do believe I can find peace and closure and will eventually be able to move on.
Facing the fears and pain attached to those memories is probably the toughest thing I will ever have to do. The important thing is that I am finally getting it out. This, although extremely difficult has been very empowering for me. As I type this I kid you not; I can feel that something has changed, is changing and for the first time in a very long time I can truthfully say that I feel hope!
I can only imagine that this gift I’ve been given comes from none other than God himself. He is busy working in my life and I am overcome with gratitude. One great thing about the lack of sleep I’ve been experiencing this month is that it has allowed me the opportunity to meditate, turning to God for direction; placing my worries in God’s hands, where they should have been all the time. Patience is not my strong suit and it’s fair to say that I’ve been impatient even with God, and especially with myself. I just didn’t get it. Why after all my tears and all my prayers had he not answered me? I’m beginning to gain a better understanding now. God has been here all along, it is I who was unable or unwilling to listen. I have been so closed minded that I felt literally rooted to the ground, and have spent the last ten years living in the first twenty years of my life. Does that make sense? I’ve been stuck in the past and with blinders on and negative gears turning in my brain there was no way that before now I could have ever found closure.
I really believe that I am finally ready to let God work his miracle in my life. I haven’t exactly been fair to myself. I’ve beaten myself up, neglected my body, mind, and spirit and blamed myself for things that were beyond my control. It’s time for change. I do deserve the same happiness that I wish for my children, and I realize that I am in control; always have been. I gave my power away but it belongs to me and I am taking it back. I will no longer allow the negative forces to infiltrate my thinking, and I will not let the pain you placed upon my heart ruin one more day of my future. You have had control for long enough. I AM BACK!!!! That is not a threat; that is a promise.
This I realize is only the beginning. I know that I will probably be healing for years to come and I have only begun to touch the surface of the pain placed upon my heart but this is a first step for me and it has me genuinely excited about my tomorrow! I honestly believe it can only go up from here. I’ve hit rock bottom, even made a couple visits to hell and I’m still here to tell my story. The positive thing is knowing that I am strong enough to get through anything. It’s a way of thinking and I have my work cut out for me in trying to retrain my brain to think positively but I am capable and with God on my side I will succeed.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
To my followers: Good night (morning) and God Bless
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Confusion
The last few days have been rather overwhelming for me. My sleep patterns are all over the place. I’ll go a couple days without sleep and then sleep for a whole day only to do repeat the pattern. I know it’s not good for me and I realize it can affect the way I feel. I just have no idea how to regain control. This perhaps contributes the emotional rollercoaster I’ve been on recently. One minute I feel good the next I feel horrible. One minute I’m happy and on top of the world and the next I’ve come close to rock bottom again and I’m an emotional mess. One minute I know exactly what I want and what I’m going to do and the next I don’t even have a clue. I’m sorry I haven’t had many positive posts lately, but this is the way I chose to get it out at the moment. Thanks for being patient with me.
My thoughts are being pulled in a million directions and I can feel myself on the verge of losing it again. I’m on the verge of losing what exactly; my sanity perhaps? Why is it so difficult to make life changing decisions? I know exactly what needs to happen and even what I would need to do to make it happen; I just don't have myself fully convinced yet that I am ready beyond a reasonable doubt. Last nights blog only touched the surface of what's going on inside this head of mine.
I know a part of the problem is that I want to please everyone. I can’t even stomach the thought of disappointing. I want everyone to be proud of me and I want to say and do things that will please those that I care about. So why is it that I feel the need to be a people pleaser? Why do I worry myself sick, literally, over how others perceive me? My entire existence has revolved around those exact thoughts and not because anybody expects me to do what would make them feel better. I just feel some kind of need to do it. I am petrified of being disliked or judged. It literally tears me to pieces when I think someone doesn’t like me; even those that don't matter. Why?
Sure I realize it is almost entirely a self esteem issue. I live with these absurd anxieties every day that prohibit me from doing things that most people take for granted; job interviews, applications, shaking hands, talking to strangers, standing up for myself and so on and so on. I can remember a time when my anxieties were so bad I couldn't even call in a pizza order. Seriously and I’m not kidding. I knew that the people on the other end couldn't see me and didn't have a clue who I was but still I couldn't help but feel like they would somehow be critiquing me on the other end of the phone. Imagine the looks I got when someone says hey call and order a pizza and I’m like no you do it…. Not funny.
My thoughts are being pulled in a million directions and I can feel myself on the verge of losing it again. I’m on the verge of losing what exactly; my sanity perhaps? Why is it so difficult to make life changing decisions? I know exactly what needs to happen and even what I would need to do to make it happen; I just don't have myself fully convinced yet that I am ready beyond a reasonable doubt. Last nights blog only touched the surface of what's going on inside this head of mine.
I know a part of the problem is that I want to please everyone. I can’t even stomach the thought of disappointing. I want everyone to be proud of me and I want to say and do things that will please those that I care about. So why is it that I feel the need to be a people pleaser? Why do I worry myself sick, literally, over how others perceive me? My entire existence has revolved around those exact thoughts and not because anybody expects me to do what would make them feel better. I just feel some kind of need to do it. I am petrified of being disliked or judged. It literally tears me to pieces when I think someone doesn’t like me; even those that don't matter. Why?
Sure I realize it is almost entirely a self esteem issue. I live with these absurd anxieties every day that prohibit me from doing things that most people take for granted; job interviews, applications, shaking hands, talking to strangers, standing up for myself and so on and so on. I can remember a time when my anxieties were so bad I couldn't even call in a pizza order. Seriously and I’m not kidding. I knew that the people on the other end couldn't see me and didn't have a clue who I was but still I couldn't help but feel like they would somehow be critiquing me on the other end of the phone. Imagine the looks I got when someone says hey call and order a pizza and I’m like no you do it…. Not funny.
I am emotionally exhausted right now and just can’t pull my thoughts together enough to formulate what it is I’m really trying to say here so…….
…until next time good day and God Bless.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Note To Self
Decisions need to be made, and you know me I hate making decisions. I'd rather someone else make them for me and then, well, duh if things turned out wrong then they could be to blame; but then what would I learn from that. Nothing! I need to woman up and pull myself together. Yes I need to hear that and yes it's the truth. The truth hurts, so what. Get up girl. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Stop making excuses and go after what could be the answer to all your prayers. Yes that's right, it could go all go wrong but what if it doesn't? What if the choice you make is the right choice? What if the only thing holding you back from all the hopes and dreams you had for yourself and your children is the fact that you won't take that leap of faith? Life is tough, so what, deal with it. You've been through worse...and made it out alive. This is only a stepping stone, one that'll lead to the next chapter of your life. What are you so afraid of anyway?
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone, and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others" -Mariamme Williamson
Most of my life I've lived in fear. Fear of not being loved, fear of being abandoned, forgotten or mistreated, fear of failing, fear of public speaking, fear of being alone, fear of relationships, fear of not being good enough, smart enough or pretty enough, and now fear of the unknown. Maybe it’s true that “our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate”, but instead that we “are powerful beyond measure”! What if my problem lies with the fact that I still don’t believe I am worthy of the kind of life I so desperately want. What if I am afraid of the power I hold within myself? What if that’s it? Could it be possible that I’m afraid of what I am capable of? How can that be possible? Why would that frighten me?
As far back as I can commit to memory, I remember thinking that one day I’d do something so big and powerful that it would change the world forever. I remember lying on my bed daydreaming about building a mansion so I could adopt all the kids in the world who were being abused or who didn’t have families. I’d dream about my best friend and me preparing meals for, and feeding the homeless. Do all little kids think this or was it just I? I’m not sure but I do know how wonderful it made me feel. I felt strong and proud and had no doubts back then that I would be influential, that others would one day look up to me. That desire still burns deep inside my heart; however the confidence burned out years ago. I still believe, I could have that potential, should I put in the effort but things always get in the way; mainly myself. Why am I holding myself back? It just doesn’t make any sense. I know myself better than anyone and I know I have the power to make a difference in this world. My heart is so big and full of love and compassion. That’s what I want to pursue. I don’t want to just get by, or just work at another dead in job. I want to put my heart to work. I want to make that difference I always dreamed of making as a child.
Could it be possible that as I write this blog that things are happening just as they should? Is it possible that this conversation with myself was meant to happen at just this moment so that my eyes could be opened to something bigger? I feel something unexplainable right now but I’ve felt it before. That I can’t deny. Many times actually and each time I have ran from it. Is this how God talks to us? Could these feelings be God trying to communicate? Is it possible that I have been running not from myself but from my purpose, from God and his calling for me? Wow, I’m emotional again. It’s ok. I give myself permission to cry. There is something so much more powerful and more beautiful than anything or anyone on the face of this earth and I could be apart of that. I am a part of that. Ok so there is no denying that my bigger purpose awaits me. I’m tired of running so where are the brakes? I’m listening God; if that’s you. Tell me where you need me and what I need to do. I don’t want this life as I live it anymore. I want to work for you. My heart is open and my soul yearns. I’m not alone. I’M NOT ALONE. I feel you Lord. You are with me all the time, by my side you’ve walked with me through many difficult times now let me repay the favor Lord, let me walk with you.
Deep breath......let it escape….another deep breath. Ok I’m good now. I had to get it out…the cry that is. I feel better. So many things running through my mind, and I am super excited about the possibilities that await me. I have no doubt that my life will turn around and I have no doubt that I will make of it all that and more that I dreamed about as a child. I can and will make this happen. My children deserve that and so much more. I will be a model to them. I will lead by example. That is the best gift I could give them. I have to believe in the good. I talk all the time about taking a stand; about people coming together to make a difference. Perhaps it’s God trying to tell me it’s time! Time I take a stand and start practicing what I preach.
I have much to think about tonight as I prepare myself for another night of sleep. I will definitely be saying my prayers tonight. I know God will listen and I know that he also will answer. It is I who needs to listen. The answers wait should I be ready to really listen. To those of you who I know are also praying for me, I want to say thank you. Thank you for being the kind of people who genuinely care. Thanks for having my back and for always offering your generous words of encouragement. Without you my life would not be complete. I love you all dearly. Thanks for believing in me and my capabilities. It is each of you and God that gets me through.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone, and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others" -Mariamme Williamson
Most of my life I've lived in fear. Fear of not being loved, fear of being abandoned, forgotten or mistreated, fear of failing, fear of public speaking, fear of being alone, fear of relationships, fear of not being good enough, smart enough or pretty enough, and now fear of the unknown. Maybe it’s true that “our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate”, but instead that we “are powerful beyond measure”! What if my problem lies with the fact that I still don’t believe I am worthy of the kind of life I so desperately want. What if I am afraid of the power I hold within myself? What if that’s it? Could it be possible that I’m afraid of what I am capable of? How can that be possible? Why would that frighten me?
As far back as I can commit to memory, I remember thinking that one day I’d do something so big and powerful that it would change the world forever. I remember lying on my bed daydreaming about building a mansion so I could adopt all the kids in the world who were being abused or who didn’t have families. I’d dream about my best friend and me preparing meals for, and feeding the homeless. Do all little kids think this or was it just I? I’m not sure but I do know how wonderful it made me feel. I felt strong and proud and had no doubts back then that I would be influential, that others would one day look up to me. That desire still burns deep inside my heart; however the confidence burned out years ago. I still believe, I could have that potential, should I put in the effort but things always get in the way; mainly myself. Why am I holding myself back? It just doesn’t make any sense. I know myself better than anyone and I know I have the power to make a difference in this world. My heart is so big and full of love and compassion. That’s what I want to pursue. I don’t want to just get by, or just work at another dead in job. I want to put my heart to work. I want to make that difference I always dreamed of making as a child.
Could it be possible that as I write this blog that things are happening just as they should? Is it possible that this conversation with myself was meant to happen at just this moment so that my eyes could be opened to something bigger? I feel something unexplainable right now but I’ve felt it before. That I can’t deny. Many times actually and each time I have ran from it. Is this how God talks to us? Could these feelings be God trying to communicate? Is it possible that I have been running not from myself but from my purpose, from God and his calling for me? Wow, I’m emotional again. It’s ok. I give myself permission to cry. There is something so much more powerful and more beautiful than anything or anyone on the face of this earth and I could be apart of that. I am a part of that. Ok so there is no denying that my bigger purpose awaits me. I’m tired of running so where are the brakes? I’m listening God; if that’s you. Tell me where you need me and what I need to do. I don’t want this life as I live it anymore. I want to work for you. My heart is open and my soul yearns. I’m not alone. I’M NOT ALONE. I feel you Lord. You are with me all the time, by my side you’ve walked with me through many difficult times now let me repay the favor Lord, let me walk with you.
Deep breath......let it escape….another deep breath. Ok I’m good now. I had to get it out…the cry that is. I feel better. So many things running through my mind, and I am super excited about the possibilities that await me. I have no doubt that my life will turn around and I have no doubt that I will make of it all that and more that I dreamed about as a child. I can and will make this happen. My children deserve that and so much more. I will be a model to them. I will lead by example. That is the best gift I could give them. I have to believe in the good. I talk all the time about taking a stand; about people coming together to make a difference. Perhaps it’s God trying to tell me it’s time! Time I take a stand and start practicing what I preach.
I have much to think about tonight as I prepare myself for another night of sleep. I will definitely be saying my prayers tonight. I know God will listen and I know that he also will answer. It is I who needs to listen. The answers wait should I be ready to really listen. To those of you who I know are also praying for me, I want to say thank you. Thank you for being the kind of people who genuinely care. Thanks for having my back and for always offering your generous words of encouragement. Without you my life would not be complete. I love you all dearly. Thanks for believing in me and my capabilities. It is each of you and God that gets me through.
Until next time my followers; Good night and God Bless!!!!
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Memories And Positive Thinking
*There are people, places, and things from my past that I miss and even sometimes wish I could go back in time and make last forever but knowing that’s not possible I choose instead to hold those memories close to my heart, never forgetting how they made me feel.*
It's funny how the smallest act or even words can trigger memories from the past. Good or bad those memories give us an opportunity to go back in time, even if only for a minute. That time warp into the past allows us to remember people or experiences that may have somehow been forgotten along our hectic and sometimes chaotic lives. Not all things are meant to be remembered or carried around but there are some memories that I truly believe are meant to be stored away in the back of our minds, for use on days when we feel like all is wrong and nothing is right.
I believe such memories allow us to reflect and are not only necessary at times, but are also good for us. Memories are stored in our minds just as when we journal we store those memories in a notebook. Although different the two are also very similar. Should it be in our minds or in our journals, both are like vaults in a sense, where we store our most prized possessions, in this instance; our memories. Too often we get discouraged and allow ourselves to be swallowed up by the pain, sadness and fear in our lives that we forget about all the wonderful memories also made along the way. Even when things fail or do not go as we plan, it is undeniable that both the good the bad memories lead us to where we are, and have shaped us into the people we are today.
It's funny how the smallest act or even words can trigger memories from the past. Good or bad those memories give us an opportunity to go back in time, even if only for a minute. That time warp into the past allows us to remember people or experiences that may have somehow been forgotten along our hectic and sometimes chaotic lives. Not all things are meant to be remembered or carried around but there are some memories that I truly believe are meant to be stored away in the back of our minds, for use on days when we feel like all is wrong and nothing is right.
I believe such memories allow us to reflect and are not only necessary at times, but are also good for us. Memories are stored in our minds just as when we journal we store those memories in a notebook. Although different the two are also very similar. Should it be in our minds or in our journals, both are like vaults in a sense, where we store our most prized possessions, in this instance; our memories. Too often we get discouraged and allow ourselves to be swallowed up by the pain, sadness and fear in our lives that we forget about all the wonderful memories also made along the way. Even when things fail or do not go as we plan, it is undeniable that both the good the bad memories lead us to where we are, and have shaped us into the people we are today.
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