Me

Me
"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that"-Martin Luther Kind Jr.
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brillant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others" -Mariamme Williamson

Monday, March 21, 2011

Truth

The truth is my past still lives with me, haunting me like a plague. Every experience of pain follows me like a stalker. I can not pretend any more, can not force myself to forget when every day situations and experiences trigger past memories. I just want to scream. I want to close my eyes and pretend that all the pain that lives deep within my heart is not really a part of me. I want to pretend that my life was perfect and that the hurt placed upon me didn’t change me; didn’t shape me into this frightened, lonely, unstable, child-like adult. I want to grab an eraser and erase all those memories that have left scars deep within my soul. Damn those who've caused me  pain. I did not deserve this. I deserved a shot at being normal, feeling normal and having a normal life, but thanks to you that will never be. You stole my innocence and then ran with it. You took from me my voice to stand up for myself, so all my life I have coward to people allowing them to do to me what they wish all because you made me feel like this was what I deserved. You made me ashamed, and because of you I feared everyone. You robbed me of my ability to trust when you did what you did and then lied. You made me insecure and needy and desperate. You had no right!!! Shame on you!!! You stole any hope of me having a healthy relationship of any kind.  Because of you I am damaged goods. I walk through like with my shoulders down, not by choice but from the weight of all the baggage I carry along. I try to take it from my shoulders but like a dog chasing its tail I never can get a hold of it. Round and Round I go like a merry go round. Up and down I go as if on a rollercoaster. Highs then lows. When will this ever end? How long must I pretend? I’ve lied and cried until I just can’t focus on what’s real any more. Lost in this big world with no one to turn, no where to go. Some do want to help but I don’t know how to let them in. I do not trust, so I close my eyes and can for a just a moment feel freedom. I imagine what it would be like to not wake up, no to have the responsibilities and struggles that life has dealt. It feels good. I want to escape but the person that God created in me will not let me. Like a criminal I am a prisoner. A prisoner of my own making. I isolate myself over and over again and each time I feel myself traveling deeper into the tunnel. I’m then left wondering if this time I’ll make it back out on the other side or will this be my last journey into the darkness. I choke, I can not breath. I am suffocating  ... No wait I see light, ahhhh then air slowly fills my lungs  and I emerge once again from a place I thought I would not escape. I did it, I tell myself over and over again. I’m stronger now. I can continue on, and I do………………………………................
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