I wish that I could laugh as much as I cry...then my life would be alright!!!

Confusion

The last few days have been rather overwhelming for me. My sleep patterns are all over the place. I’ll go a couple days without sleep and then sleep for a whole day only to do repeat the pattern. I know it’s not good for me and I realize it can affect the way I feel. I just have no idea how to regain control. This perhaps contributes the emotional rollercoaster I’ve been on recently. One minute I feel good the next I feel horrible. One minute I’m happy and on top of the world and the next I’ve come close to rock bottom again and I’m an emotional mess. One minute I know exactly what I want and what I’m going to do and the next I don’t even have a clue. I’m sorry I haven’t had many positive posts lately, but this is the way I chose to get it out at the moment. Thanks for being patient with me.

My thoughts are being pulled in a million directions and I can feel myself on the verge of losing it again. I’m on the verge of losing what exactly; my sanity perhaps?  Why is it so difficult to make life changing decisions? I know exactly what needs to happen and even what I would need to do to make it happen; I just don't have myself fully convinced yet that I am ready beyond a reasonable doubt. Last nights blog only touched the surface of what's going on inside this head of mine.

I know a part of the problem is that I want to please everyone. I can’t even stomach the thought of disappointing. I want everyone to be proud of me and I want to say and do things that will please those that I care about. So why is it that I feel the need to be a people pleaser? Why do I worry myself sick, literally, over how others perceive me? My entire existence has revolved around those exact thoughts and not because anybody expects me to do what would make them feel better. I just feel some kind of need to do it. I am petrified of being disliked or judged. It literally tears me to pieces when I think someone doesn’t like me; even those that don't matter. Why?

Sure I realize it is almost entirely a self esteem issue. I live with these absurd anxieties every day that prohibit me from doing things that most people take for granted; job interviews, applications, shaking hands, talking to strangers, standing up for myself and so on and so on.  I can remember a time when my anxieties were so bad I couldn't even call in a pizza order. Seriously and I’m not kidding. I knew that the people on the other end couldn't see me and didn't have a clue who I was but still I couldn't help but feel like they would somehow be critiquing me on the other end of the phone. Imagine the looks I got when someone says hey call and order a pizza and I’m like no you do it…. Not funny.

I am emotionally exhausted right now and just can’t pull my thoughts together enough to formulate what it is I’m really trying to say here so…….

…until next time good day and God Bless.

Note To Self

Decisions need to be made, and you know me I hate making decisions. I'd rather someone else make them for me and then, well, duh if things turned out wrong then they could be to blame; but then what would I learn from that. Nothing! I need to woman up and pull myself together. Yes I need to hear that and yes it's the truth. The truth hurts, so what. Get up girl. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Stop making excuses and go after what could be the answer to all your prayers. Yes that's right, it could go all go wrong but what if it doesn't? What if the choice you make is the right choice? What if the only thing holding you back from all the hopes and dreams you had for yourself and your children is the fact that you won't take that leap of faith? Life is tough, so what, deal with it. You've been through worse...and made it out alive. This is only a stepping stone, one that'll lead to the next chapter of your life. What are you so afraid of anyway?


“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone, and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others" -Mariamme Williamson


Most of my life I've lived in fear. Fear of not being loved, fear of being abandoned, forgotten or mistreated, fear of failing, fear of public speaking, fear of being alone, fear of relationships, fear of not being good enough, smart enough or pretty enough, and now fear of the unknown. Maybe it’s true that “our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate”, but instead that we “are powerful beyond measure”! What if my problem lies with the fact that I still don’t believe I am worthy of the kind of life I so desperately want. What if I am afraid of the power I hold within myself? What if that’s it? Could it be possible that I’m afraid of what I am capable of? How can that be possible? Why would that frighten me?

As far back as I can commit to memory, I remember thinking that one day I’d do something so big and powerful that it would change the world forever. I remember lying on my bed daydreaming about building a mansion so I could adopt all the kids in the world who were being abused or who didn’t have families. I’d dream about my best friend and me preparing meals for, and feeding the homeless.  Do all little kids think this or was it just I? I’m not sure but I do know how wonderful it made me feel. I felt strong and proud and had no doubts back then that I would be influential, that others would one day look up to me. That desire still burns deep inside my heart; however the confidence burned out years ago. I still believe, I could have that potential, should I put in the effort but things always get in the way; mainly myself. Why am I holding myself back? It just doesn’t make any sense. I know myself better than anyone and I know I have the power to make a difference in this world. My heart is so big and full of love and compassion. That’s what I want to pursue. I don’t want to just get by, or just work at another dead in job. I want to put my heart to work. I want to make that difference I always dreamed of making as a child.

Could it be possible that as I write this blog that things are happening just as they should? Is it possible that this conversation with myself was meant to happen at just this moment so that my eyes could be opened to something bigger? I feel something unexplainable right now but I’ve felt it before. That I can’t deny. Many times actually and each time I have ran from it. Is this how God talks to us? Could these feelings be God trying to communicate? Is it possible that I have been running not from myself but from my purpose, from God and his calling for me? Wow, I’m emotional again. It’s ok. I give myself permission to cry. There is something so much more powerful and more beautiful than anything or anyone on the face of this earth and I could be apart of that. I am a part of that. Ok so there is no denying that my bigger purpose awaits me. I’m tired of running so where are the brakes? I’m listening God; if that’s you. Tell me where you need me and what I need to do. I don’t want this life as I live it anymore. I want to work for you. My heart is open and my soul yearns. I’m not alone. I’M NOT ALONE. I feel you Lord. You are with me all the time, by my side you’ve walked with me through many difficult times now let me repay the favor Lord, let me walk with you.

Deep breath......let it escape….another deep breath. Ok I’m good now. I had to get it out…the cry that is. I feel better. So many things running through my mind, and I am super excited about the possibilities that await me. I have no doubt that my life will turn around and I have no doubt that I will make of it all that and more that I dreamed about as a child. I can and will make this happen. My children deserve that and so much more. I will be a model to them. I will lead by example. That is the best gift I could give them. I have to believe in the good. I talk all the time about taking a stand; about people coming together to make a difference. Perhaps it’s God trying to tell me it’s time! Time I take a stand and start practicing what I preach.

I have much to think about tonight as I prepare myself for another night of sleep. I will definitely be saying my prayers tonight. I know God will listen and I know that he also will answer. It is I who needs to listen. The answers wait should I be ready to really listen. To those of you who I know are also praying for me, I want to say thank you. Thank you for being the kind of people who genuinely care. Thanks for having my back and for always offering your generous words of encouragement. Without you my life would not be complete. I love you all dearly. Thanks for believing in me and my capabilities. It is each of you and God that gets me through.

Until next time my followers; Good night and God Bless!!!!

Memories And Positive Thinking

*There are people, places, and things from my past that I miss and even sometimes wish I could go back in time and make last forever but knowing that’s not possible I choose instead to hold those memories close to my heart, never forgetting how they made me feel.*

It's funny how the smallest act or even words can trigger memories from the past. Good or bad those memories give us an opportunity to go back in time, even if only for a minute. That time warp into the past allows us to remember people or experiences that may have somehow been forgotten along our hectic and sometimes chaotic lives. Not all things are meant to be remembered or carried around but there are some memories that I truly believe are meant to be stored away in the back of our minds, for use on days when we feel like all is wrong and nothing is right.

I believe such memories allow us to reflect and are not only necessary at times, but are also good for us. Memories are stored in our minds just as when we journal we store those memories in a notebook. Although different the two are also very similar. Should it be in our minds or in our journals, both are like vaults in a sense, where we store our most prized possessions, in this instance; our memories. Too often we get discouraged and allow ourselves to be swallowed up by the pain, sadness and fear in our lives that we forget about all the wonderful memories also made along the way. Even when things fail or do not go as we plan, it is undeniable that both the good the bad memories lead us to where we are, and have shaped us into the people we are today.

Unbreakable

I managed to put a little of my creativity to work today. Yay for me considering I wasted half a day sleeping. I wanted to capture the bond and strength of our little family, and was able to get a few workable pictures out of the bunch. The kids were less than excited to be apart of my photo shoot today and so I decided to make it easy for them. "Lie down on your backs, with your feet side by side", annoyed they rolled their eyes, made some groans and well did as I asked!!! These are the results.

Dear Lord

Today was a bit of a struggle for me, and although I know that “this too shall pass”, I can’t help but feel a bit sad today. The emotions wait to erupt, as I’ve tried desperately to keep my composure. With tears rolling down my face I come to you because I know that no one knows me better than you Lord. You know me inside and out. You know my needs, my wants, and even my dreams. You know the people, places and things I hold near and dear to my heart and you know what hurts me most. You know my internal struggles as well as the struggles I face day to day within the outside world. Not one single person will ever know me the way you do Lord nor can any human being Love me the way you do. Because I know this Lord, is the reason I come to you Lord. I believe that if my life can be saved Lord it will only be through you.

It has become quite easy Lord, for me to feel sorry for myself and for me to blame anyone and everyone around me for anything and everything that goes wrong in my life; knowing all along Lord that I and only I hold the keys to my happiness and success. I vowed to myself Lord to be strong long ago and over the years I have let myself down more times than I care to admit, however Lord I know that in order to move forward I must first forgive myself. Some time ago I made an unconscious decision to let go of the girl I use to be, and only recently have I been able to acknowledge and admit that this may not have been such a wise decision. Lord, the little girl I left behind is a part of me, she is me, and in order to be whole again I now realize I must find her, heal her and then let her back into my life.

Lord this is difficult for me and I come to you tonight because I know that with you and through you I can and will find the wholeness I look for, and with you Lord I will piece back together my broken, shattered existence. The little girl whom I have for so long refused to acknowledge is broken Lord. I ignore her out of fear of the emotions she will bring to surface Lord and this is why I need you. I need you to wrap your arms around me, be my strength when I feel I have none. Allow me to face my fears Lord once and for all so that I can finally lay my past to rest. I need to bury it Lord and I need to finally mourn for those things that I have lost so that I can heal Lord. I am tired Lord and have become aged and rugged before my time Lord. I want to feel joy, to feel happiness and to feel young and full of life again Lord. Through you Lord I know this is a possibility. I can and I will smile again.

Looking Back

Looking back, I remember little about my early childhood.The things I do are often tough for me to revisit. Many of my memories are not pleasant, or perhaps I have just been so focused on the bad experiences that I have not allowed myself to consider the possibility that my world did not totally revolve around pain, heartache, and turmoil. Even as I write of that possibility I am finding it tough to even consider such an idea. My entire life, in my view, has been one heart break after another. For as long as I can remember I have been filled with emotions, many of which I did not understand and I have never really learned how to manage them. Even as a child I remember feeling angry; angry at my parents, angry at God, angry at myself. I was a lonely child, lost and confused and literally terrified of the world and everyone in it. I was afraid of people, relationships and even myself. I can remember always being so emotional and I never really understood why. I remember crying myself to sleep at night more often than any little girl should have to.

My parents separated and divorced when my brothers and I were too young to know what that meant, but I do remember missing my Father like crazy. I was angry at him for a very long time.  I was angry at both my Father and my Mother. I was angry that they were not more civil for the sake of us children. I remember them both voicing insults about the other in our presence. Dad would say mom was only out for the child support money and that mom would make it difficult for him to see us. Mom would talk about him too, and I hated them for putting us in between. 

I was angry at my Father for not being more active in my life and for making my brothers and I feel guilty for not calling or writing more often.  I was angry at him for not making the time we did have together count. I recall our visits being almost as sad for me, as it was for me not to see him. When we finally did visit I never really felt an effort by him to bond with us until we were a little older. I do not blame him now, nor do I hold any resentment in my heart. I truly believe my Father loved us with all his heart and showed it the best way he knew how, but I did not always believe that to be true. It was upsetting to me that my relationship with my Father was almost nonexistent. I had all these emotions inside and no way of knowing how to sort them all out.

I learned at a very early age how to hide my emotions and consequently the “pretending” began. I call “pretending”, putting on the “Mask”. The “mask” was usually in the form of a fake smile. I was good at acting and learned how to appear to be happy on the outside but the truth was on the inside I was crumbling. Even still I am guilty of wearing the mask, trying to “fake out” those who love and worry for me. I’m just not as good now at being able to keep up the act as I probably was back then. I remember feeling like I had to be perfect as a child and as a young woman. I felt like our life was chaotic enough and I did not want to make more trouble for my mother. I wanted to please her and to please my Father. I tried desperately to do so with good behavior, good grades and by just staying out of the way but even that came hard for me. I struggled in school but no one knew it. I found it hard to concentrate and my mind was always racing.

Something about Black and Whites

So as many of you already know and the rest of you will come to know, I love taking pictures, and I ecspecially like the look of a well taken black and white. Some cameras give you the option of changing that function from the camera but I usually edit my own photos in one of the several photo editing softwares I have installed on my computer. There's just something about the way a black and white that makes a photo stand out........

What in the world? This is what you get when you leave me alone with my camera!

This one was kinda neat .... of course I have to try it in black and white.

My doll of a neice Leah!

The shadow is what made this one and the next stand out.

With a dash of color!





Lesson Learned

He lured me in with words that would flatter any young woman. He told me all the things I needed to hear and I believed them. He was funny. The laughter was something I needed in my life and he could make me laugh even in my darkest moment. He was handsome and had an amazing smile that proved to be contagious.  He was a big guy; around five feet 10 inches tall and weighed around two hundred and twenty pounds.  He was strong and outgoing and would defend me in a second. I felt safe with him. He was gentle and caring and offered me comfort when I needed it. I trusted him. He was my husband, my best friend, and he has been one of the most influential people in my life.

He noticed me long before I noticed him and wasn‘t the least bit shy about letting his feelings known. He was persistent and determined that one way or another he would make me his girl.  I had my doubts but I was lonely and desperate for love.  A single mother of three young children made me an easy target. He made friendly with my children, playing with them, filling in where their father lacked. He was almost everything I wanted. With a little bit of work, I thought, this could work, and so I gave in.

The first few months were great. It was new. It was fun and exciting and he made me happy.  Everything he did was either about me or my children. He was amazing and we were in love. The relationship moved rather quickly but I didn’t mind because my children were happy and to me that was most important.  I remember thinking to myself how blessed I was to have him in my life.

Over time the guy I fell in love with began to change.  Brian became a monster. A “bad man” as my children would later refer to him.  It happen gradually and the small changes were easy to dismiss as I was in love and had finally found who I thought was someone I would share the rest of my life with.  The jealousy at first was cute, I thought it meant he loved me, however, soon the jealousy got out of hand and I couldn’t so much as glance at another man without him calling me a name. He began to pick away at my esteem by calling me ugly or stupid and telling me anything else he knew would hurt.  He became more and more controlling. I couldn’t work without him calling the job over and over again and slowly but surely he had isolated me from my family and friends. When I started attending college he did everything in his power to prevent me from going. He would stay out all night and come home in  rages.  Brian had changed, he was angry and violent and demanding.

His heavy footsteps were easily heard as he stomped up the steps and onto the front porch and clumsily fumbled for his keys. He dropped them twice before finally managing to get the door open. The door slammed behind him and I remember my body jumping at the sound. I was lying in bed pretending to be asleep when he stumbled into the room demanding that I satisfy his needs. When I refused he walks to the opposite side of the bed as I and picked up the mattress, tossing everything on it, including myself to the floor.  He then proceeds to lay his body on top of the mattress. I was still beneath. This was the first time I remember being afraid of who he had became and what he was capable of.  He scared me and I remember pleading for him to get up. “I can not breathe…please get off me”. It was as if the world stood still.  After what felt like hours, he did get off of me.   I managed to pull myself from under the mattress and in shock I just stared up at him. “You’re scaring me” I said over and over again as I watched him destroy our bedroom, kicking the television to the floor and throwing anything he could get his hands on. The rage passed and eventually he went to his couch where he fell asleep. That moment and who he had become has stayed with me ever since. That man I watched him turn into changed who I was forever.

I later learned that he was high on cocaine that night and that he had been using the whole time we were together.  He hid in well in the beginning or maybe I just didn’t want to see the signs but either way he was living as two separate people and with one of those I was still very much in love with. I stayed with him, even after that night.  His addiction gave me an excuse for his behavior.  The abuse got worse both mentally and physically and each time he hit, pinched or punched me I readily excused it, by convincing myself that it was not him but the drugs that caused him to abuse me.  He had broke me down so bad that I actually believed I was the reason for his behavior, that I had somehow caused it or asked for it. 

As he changed so did I and so did my children. Unfortunately they were witness to much of this abuse and even though he never raised a hand to them it soon became evident that they were being affected. They cried a lot and their happy personalities became sad.  Then is when I realized I had to get out. My children came first and the man I once loved had turned into a man I now feared. It was time.

The Brian I fell in love with still lives with me in heart and memories. I still love him to this day. He was kind, loving and gentle and was a good dad when he really tried. He taught me to give openly, to love unconditionally and to fight for what’s right and important. He taught me to relax and enjoy life a little, to be spontaneous and most importantly he taught me to laugh. I will forever be thankful to him for those things he left me with. 

The monster in Brain or the “bad man” also still lives with me to this day. It’s been three years since I escaped his abuse and there are still things in my present life that seems to trigger memories of past. For a very long time I lived in fear. I feared he would come after me and I feared the possibility that he may actually be capable of killing me. He went from being loving to dangerous in a matter of a year.  The monster in him also taught me to give openly, to love unconditionally, and to fight for what is right, but also through him I learned patience, understanding, compassion and empathy.  The monster in Brian taught me to be strong and tough and to stand up for myself.  He also taught me what I did not want my daughter to grow up thinking was the way women should be treated and what I did not want my two sons to grow up thinking was the way to treat women. He taught me to set my expectations high and not to settle for less.

The things I learned from Brian have given me great insight into my life, my needs, my wants and my dreams and from my relationship with him I have learned many things. This is why I considered him to be someone who has influenced my life in a powerful way. He left me with good and bad memories and from each of them I can take something away for each in its own unique way has helped shape me into the woman I am today.

My Rock

As I lay eyes on you for the very first time I knew

You would be my rock, my strength, my glue

Your big brown eyes staring back at me

Through your eyes I was able to see

My life as I knew it had just been changed

From Mother to Child a new love exchanged

To you I vowed early to never let you down

Made you a promise to always be around

And though I've made my share of bad calls

You tender look of love assures me you love even my flaws

You are my first born, my sweet baby boy

Watching you grow brings me so much joy

Each day to my life you bring something new

Bringing a smile, or an I love you

You make each of my days a bit brighter

You make me stronger and more of a fighter

I hope through my words one day you will see

Just how much you mean to me

I hope you'll be as proud of me, as I am of you

And hope you know I'll be here always to carry you through

I love you Misael (Mitch) Jr



Truth

The truth is my past still lives with me, haunting me like a plague. Every experience of pain follows me like a stalker. I can not pretend any more, can not force myself to forget when every day situations and experiences trigger past memories. I just want to scream. I want to close my eyes and pretend that all the pain that lives deep within my heart is not really a part of me. I want to pretend that my life was perfect and that the hurt placed upon me didn’t change me; didn’t shape me into this frightened, lonely, unstable, child-like adult. I want to grab an eraser and erase all those memories that have left scars deep within my soul. Damn those who've caused me  pain. I did not deserve this. I deserved a shot at being normal, feeling normal and having a normal life, but thanks to you that will never be. You stole my innocence and then ran with it. You took from me my voice to stand up for myself, so all my life I have coward to people allowing them to do to me what they wish all because you made me feel like this was what I deserved. You made me ashamed, and because of you I feared everyone. You robbed me of my ability to trust when you did what you did and then lied. You made me insecure and needy and desperate. You had no right!!! Shame on you!!! You stole any hope of me having a healthy relationship of any kind.  Because of you I am damaged goods. I walk through like with my shoulders down, not by choice but from the weight of all the baggage I carry along. I try to take it from my shoulders but like a dog chasing its tail I never can get a hold of it. Round and Round I go like a merry go round. Up and down I go as if on a rollercoaster. Highs then lows. When will this ever end? How long must I pretend? I’ve lied and cried until I just can’t focus on what’s real any more. Lost in this big world with no one to turn, no where to go. Some do want to help but I don’t know how to let them in. I do not trust, so I close my eyes and can for a just a moment feel freedom. I imagine what it would be like to not wake up, no to have the responsibilities and struggles that life has dealt. It feels good. I want to escape but the person that God created in me will not let me. Like a criminal I am a prisoner. A prisoner of my own making. I isolate myself over and over again and each time I feel myself traveling deeper into the tunnel. I’m then left wondering if this time I’ll make it back out on the other side or will this be my last journey into the darkness. I choke, I can not breath. I am suffocating  ... No wait I see light, ahhhh then air slowly fills my lungs  and I emerge once again from a place I thought I would not escape. I did it, I tell myself over and over again. I’m stronger now. I can continue on, and I do………………………………................