I came across this poem

WHEN I'M HURTING

It's easier for you to walk away, than it is for you to reach out to me.
It's easier for you to look away, than it is for you to see the depth of my despair.
It's easier for you to look through me, than it is for you to see "me."
It's easier for you to distance yourself, than it is for you to really care.
It's easier for you to hear, than it is for you to listen.
It's easier for you to judge, than it is for you to understand.
It's easier for you to label, than it is to get acquainted.
It's easier for you to bask in your joy, than it is for you to feel my pain.
It's easier for you to bewilder at my mysteries, than it is for you to probe deeply into the depths of my soul.

It's easier for me to look away, than it is to let you see the feelings betrayed through my eyes.
It's easier for me to cry, than it is for me to talk.
It's easier for me to walk alone, than it is to risk rejection.
It's easier for me to push you away, than it is for me to be held.
It's easier for me to distance myself, than it is to trust that you won´t hurt me.
It's easier for me to die, than it is for me to face life's challenges.

It's hard for me to smile when I am hurting.
It's hard for me to talk when you won't understand.
It's hard for me to reach out when I need help the most.

If only you'd really look at me and see who I am.
If only you cared enough to reach out when I push you away.
If only you'd hold me, without asking why.
If only you'd acknowledge the validity of my feelings.

But it's the easy roads that are most often taken.
And so I hurt alone.

--Jo A. Witt
Copyright 2000

Lord I need you

Lord, I am wounded. I hurt. I am helpless. I am broken. I am vulnerable. Nothing I can do by my own hand can protect me. Help me, for without your mercy and protection, I will perish. Into your hands, O Lord, I commend my spirit.


Loving Father,

I come before You with faith in Your promise that whatever I ask for in Your name You will grant to me if it is for the good of my soul and in accordance with Your Divine Will. I come trusting in Your great love for me and believing that only You know what is best for me.

I come to You now to ask that You enter my heart and heal all my wounded emotions. You know me better than I know myself. Bring Your healing love into every corner of my heart and release all the buried negative emotions inside that have not been resolved and continue to cause me anguish.

Remove all my unhealed hurts and painful memories that block the flow of Your graces, robbing me of Your peace, love and joy. Heal all feelings of sadness, loneliness, fear and  anxiety Heal all guilt, despair, feelings of betrayal and rejection. Heal all feelings of anger, hatred, resentment and bitterness.

Bring Your healing love to all my emotions that have caused me feelings of hopelessness, discouragement, helplessness and despair. Grant me the grace to forgive all those who caused negative emotions and likewise to be forgiven by those to whom I have done the same harm.

O, Lord, give me a repentant heart, forgive me for my sins and failures, and be merciful to me Help me to realize the blessings that resulted from each painful experience and how this had led me closer to you.

As You release from me all these painful emotions, fill all the empty spaces with Your love, Your peace, Your joy and the powerful presence of Your Holy Spirit. After I have been healed, may my life be a witness to Your power and glory and may I reach out to others, too.

All these I pray in Jesus name through Mary and all the angels and saints. Amen

Lost

I had all these ideas and plans in mind when I started this blog and now I can't seem to remember why I started it to begin with. For some reason I Have this need for everyone around me to understand me and through my blog I guess maybe I thought it would be a way to show a side of myself that many don't know or don't understand. I wonder though, why is it so important that they understand me or why do I need their approval or acceptance? Why do I even give a crap? What is it really that I am searching for? Why would I want anyone to see this side of me?

The last two days have been a struggle for me and I am feeling really vulnerable right now. I have that angry feeling where I just want to say f the world and everyone in it. I mean I fight so hard to get the approval of every one around me when it's clear that no one gives a damn about Wendy and her mental issues. Why in the Hell do I even bother? Why can't I just learn to accept myself; that after all is really all I want? No one is interested in my sob stories and I can't say I blame them.

I don’t even feel like typing but I feel like if I don’t get something out, I am going to explode. The truth is I’m a horrible person. I am cruel and selfish and a huge disappointment. I have failed those most important to me and for that I don’t even deserve to feel true happiness. It’s not fair to those around me to have to deal with my rollercoaster emotions and the drama that comes with it, so why do I subject them to it? I’m frustrated again and I hate feeling this way.

The littlest things set me off and I don’t understand it. I’m always complaining and I never have anything positive to say it’s no wonder that no one wants to listen or be around me anymore. Damn it I’m still living in the past. Why can’t I escape? Do I like it here so much that I am purposely torturing myself? Why do I feel like I deserve to live this way? God I really want to forgive myself, so why can’t I? What the hell is wrong with me?

I can see it ya know, in my mind, in my dreams; being happy and healthy and at peace with myself and my past. I picture myself running in the yard with my children laughing until our bellies hurt. I’m a hundred pounds lighter with my hair fixed, makeup on, and I feel confident again. It feels good. But then again it’s only a dream. It’s so close, yet so far away. It feels so real at times that when reality hits it’s literally like I was hit by a ton of bricks. I am sick and tired of my own bullshit! I hate hating myself but it is what it is. I try, I really do.  I’m weak. I’m a coward and I am ashamed of who I have become.

I want to run away again, and I wish I didn’t care. I don’t want to care. Wouldn’t that make it easier? To feel nothing, so I could leave without guilt. I am a mess but I know it and I can admit it. My kids deserve better so why can’t I just snap out of what ever it is and come back to life. I’m tired and I don’t make much sense.

I have nothing left to say…….

Progress

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.

Proverbs 3, 5-6

Writing for me is a way for me to make sense of my life, a path of reflection, to find truth and clarity. Writing gives me a platform; a place where I can be completely honest; no masks or untruths, only the real and sometimes heartbreaking realities. Here is where I can be me without fear of being judged. It is here that I find solace, and is often the only thing keeping me from insanity.

I can vaguely remember one of my many therapists telling me that it was important that I find someone to tell my story to. It did not matter to whom as long I trusted them and as long as I was honest and forthcoming about not just parts but all of my experiences. I thought he was crazy at the time. How in the world would that help? Nothing was going to take away my pain and it would not make it go away, so how could talking about it make any difference? So for years I chose to stuff it far away and refused to even acknowledge its existence.  This pain was rooted so deeply that I, for years could not even recognize how troubled I’d become, and how ignoring it had actually done more damage.

For the first time in my life I feel like I may possibly be making progress in my healing. Over the last week, and for the first time ever I have put a voice to some deep rooted pain that until now had been a secret. I am opening up and I am eternally thankful for my listener. I’m definitely still a work in progress with that but my journey has begun. Why or what happened to trigger this I have yet to put my finger on but God has blessed me this week with the strength and courage to finally put words to my feelings. It hasn’t been easy and it definitely hasn’t been pretty but I do believe progress is being made. Nothing will take away the pain, however, I do believe I can find peace and closure and will eventually be able to move on.

Facing the fears and pain attached to those memories is probably the toughest thing I will ever have to do. The important thing is that I am finally getting it out. This, although extremely difficult has been very empowering for me. As I type this I kid you not; I can feel that something has changed, is changing and for the first time in a very long time I can truthfully say that I feel hope!

I can only imagine that this gift I’ve been given comes from none other than God himself. He is busy working in my life and I am overcome with gratitude. One great thing about the lack of sleep I’ve been experiencing this month is that it has allowed me the opportunity to meditate, turning to God for direction; placing my worries in God’s hands, where they should have been all the time. Patience is not my strong suit and it’s fair to say that I’ve been impatient even with God, and especially with myself. I just didn’t get it. Why after all my tears and all my prayers had he not answered me? I’m beginning to gain a better understanding now. God has been here all along, it is I who was unable or unwilling to listen.  I have been so closed minded that I felt literally rooted to the ground, and have spent the last ten years living in the first twenty years of my life. Does that make sense? I’ve been stuck in the past and with blinders on and negative gears turning in my brain there was no way that before now I could have ever found closure.

I really believe that I am finally ready to let God work his miracle in my life. I haven’t exactly been fair to myself. I’ve beaten myself up, neglected my body, mind, and spirit and blamed myself for things that were beyond my control. It’s time for change. I do deserve the same happiness that I wish for my children, and I realize that I am in control; always have been.  I gave my power away but it belongs to me and I am taking it back. I will no longer allow the negative forces to infiltrate my thinking, and I will not let the pain you placed upon my heart ruin one more day of my future. You have had control for long enough. I AM BACK!!!! That is not a threat; that is a promise.

This I realize is only the beginning. I know that I will probably be healing for years to come and I have only begun to touch the surface of the pain placed upon my heart but this is a first step for me and it has me genuinely excited about my tomorrow! I honestly believe it can only go up from here. I’ve hit rock bottom, even made a couple visits to hell and I’m still here to tell my story. The positive thing is knowing that I am strong enough to get through anything. It’s a way of thinking and I have my work cut out for me in trying to retrain my brain to think positively but I am capable and with God on my side I will succeed.   

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

To my followers: Good night (morning) and God Bless