Latest Photo Shoot

A touch of color

Photos taken on 10-24-11

 

The Spivey Family

Recently I had the pleasure of taking pictures for my sister and her family. The pictures turned out lovely.  Following are just a few!



What a beautiful group of people!

 





Father and Children

 

 



My Photo Shoot with Alyssa and Leah :)

After looking back at some of my much older shots I can see just how much I've improved in my picture taking and the more I experiment the more I fall in love with photography. These picture were taken November 24th and 25th. It's so much fun working with the girls, naturally they are drawn toward the camera and they both have huge personalities that makes taking their pictures a breeze.

I hope you'll enjoy! These of of my neice Leah and my Daughter Alyssa; two of the most beautiful girls I know!!

What a beautiful Smile. I love this one!

 

Laughter caught on camera...

 



I absolutely love this one of her.....she is so happy here and these are moments
I love to captured.

hmmmmmm

Sometimes the hardest decisions for us to make are those that are so important that there really isn't a choice...where the decision is out of our hands and the only thing keeping us from moving forward is the stubborness of our own hearts...It is these decisions that bring us the greatest heartache because it truly is a matter of the heart and not the mind...but the hardest step is always the first and with each step that follows it will get easier.....not because the act itself has became less hard but because it is after that first step that God steps in and carries us the rest of the way! Trust in yourself and trust in God!! ~ Love, Wendy ~

LETTING GO TAKES LOVE

I came across this poem and thought I would share! God Bless!!


LETTING GO TAKES LOVE

To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more
and
To let go and to let God, is to find peace !

Author Unknown

Born Anew

Today, at age thirty, I learned for the first time just how much I love and need my mother. Yes I know that sounds a bit strange even for me, ecspecially considering that she has been apart of my life for it's entirety. We have always maintained a relationship through the years but I sadly always felt a bit distant from her and oddly enough wished we were closer. It's kind of crazy because she has always been the one person to have my back through out my life, yet still I felt something was missing. perhaps it was I who in my own guilt driven feelings of unworthiness kept a wedge between us. I think I can see it now.

During recent months I did feel like there was a different kind of bond being built between us. I for the first time was able to open up to her about my childhood trauma and for the first time in my life I actually felt heard. My pain was acknowledged and that has played such a huge role in my growth and healing,  She says she's noticed changes in me but some of those are in part thanks to her. She has given me an outlet and I'm so thankful for that.

So today out of the blue I recieved a phone call from mom telling me about a wonderful job opportunity she had just received. I was happy for her..... and then I heard something about it being out of state and blah blah blah....six to eight weeks...blah blah blah....literally that is all I could hear. The smile on my face quickly faded and I was speechless probably for the first time in my life. My heart sank, there was a knot in my throat and without any warning panic filled my heart and I choked back tears. I heard "I thought you would be happy." HAPPY??? ARE YOU KIDDING ME is what I was thinking but not wanting to be rude all I could manage was "I'll have to call you back". Click I hung up the phone and even before I could lay the phone on the desk I burst into tears, crying like a little girl who was just told by her mom that she was moving away and leaving her behind. I had no idea where these emotions were coming from and even after she came to my house to check on me I still couldn't admit what had me upset. I love my Mother dearly and don't think I could live without her. Literally. Not is some crazy dependent way but because I love her and because she is my best friend. It took thirty years for me to realize this but I'm so thankful to have been blessed with this realization. I will no longer see her the same way again. Our relationship was born anew today and also born today was a new found respect for her.

It's crazy now how much time I let pass me by not cherishing her words of wisdom, her tender hugs, her late night phone calls when I was on the verge of a meltdown, all the time, sweat and tears she put into helping me raise my children, and all the many many times she's lifted me up from the deep clenches of depression telling me that this to shall pass. I'm sorry I haven't been more appreciate of her. I'm sorry I didn't tell her more often how special she is to me and I'm sorry I didn't tell her I loved her enough. But thankful so very thankful that I still have the rest of her life to make that up to her, and I will!

Tonight I will sleep  peaceful knowing that if all else fails and the entire world turns their backs it will still be ok cause I'll always have one person in my corner....My Wonderful Mother!!!!

I came across this poem

WHEN I'M HURTING

It's easier for you to walk away, than it is for you to reach out to me.
It's easier for you to look away, than it is for you to see the depth of my despair.
It's easier for you to look through me, than it is for you to see "me."
It's easier for you to distance yourself, than it is for you to really care.
It's easier for you to hear, than it is for you to listen.
It's easier for you to judge, than it is for you to understand.
It's easier for you to label, than it is to get acquainted.
It's easier for you to bask in your joy, than it is for you to feel my pain.
It's easier for you to bewilder at my mysteries, than it is for you to probe deeply into the depths of my soul.

It's easier for me to look away, than it is to let you see the feelings betrayed through my eyes.
It's easier for me to cry, than it is for me to talk.
It's easier for me to walk alone, than it is to risk rejection.
It's easier for me to push you away, than it is for me to be held.
It's easier for me to distance myself, than it is to trust that you won´t hurt me.
It's easier for me to die, than it is for me to face life's challenges.

It's hard for me to smile when I am hurting.
It's hard for me to talk when you won't understand.
It's hard for me to reach out when I need help the most.

If only you'd really look at me and see who I am.
If only you cared enough to reach out when I push you away.
If only you'd hold me, without asking why.
If only you'd acknowledge the validity of my feelings.

But it's the easy roads that are most often taken.
And so I hurt alone.

--Jo A. Witt
Copyright 2000

Lord I need you

Lord, I am wounded. I hurt. I am helpless. I am broken. I am vulnerable. Nothing I can do by my own hand can protect me. Help me, for without your mercy and protection, I will perish. Into your hands, O Lord, I commend my spirit.


Loving Father,

I come before You with faith in Your promise that whatever I ask for in Your name You will grant to me if it is for the good of my soul and in accordance with Your Divine Will. I come trusting in Your great love for me and believing that only You know what is best for me.

I come to You now to ask that You enter my heart and heal all my wounded emotions. You know me better than I know myself. Bring Your healing love into every corner of my heart and release all the buried negative emotions inside that have not been resolved and continue to cause me anguish.

Remove all my unhealed hurts and painful memories that block the flow of Your graces, robbing me of Your peace, love and joy. Heal all feelings of sadness, loneliness, fear and  anxiety Heal all guilt, despair, feelings of betrayal and rejection. Heal all feelings of anger, hatred, resentment and bitterness.

Bring Your healing love to all my emotions that have caused me feelings of hopelessness, discouragement, helplessness and despair. Grant me the grace to forgive all those who caused negative emotions and likewise to be forgiven by those to whom I have done the same harm.

O, Lord, give me a repentant heart, forgive me for my sins and failures, and be merciful to me Help me to realize the blessings that resulted from each painful experience and how this had led me closer to you.

As You release from me all these painful emotions, fill all the empty spaces with Your love, Your peace, Your joy and the powerful presence of Your Holy Spirit. After I have been healed, may my life be a witness to Your power and glory and may I reach out to others, too.

All these I pray in Jesus name through Mary and all the angels and saints. Amen

Lost

I had all these ideas and plans in mind when I started this blog and now I can't seem to remember why I started it to begin with. For some reason I Have this need for everyone around me to understand me and through my blog I guess maybe I thought it would be a way to show a side of myself that many don't know or don't understand. I wonder though, why is it so important that they understand me or why do I need their approval or acceptance? Why do I even give a crap? What is it really that I am searching for? Why would I want anyone to see this side of me?

The last two days have been a struggle for me and I am feeling really vulnerable right now. I have that angry feeling where I just want to say f the world and everyone in it. I mean I fight so hard to get the approval of every one around me when it's clear that no one gives a damn about Wendy and her mental issues. Why in the Hell do I even bother? Why can't I just learn to accept myself; that after all is really all I want? No one is interested in my sob stories and I can't say I blame them.

I don’t even feel like typing but I feel like if I don’t get something out, I am going to explode. The truth is I’m a horrible person. I am cruel and selfish and a huge disappointment. I have failed those most important to me and for that I don’t even deserve to feel true happiness. It’s not fair to those around me to have to deal with my rollercoaster emotions and the drama that comes with it, so why do I subject them to it? I’m frustrated again and I hate feeling this way.

The littlest things set me off and I don’t understand it. I’m always complaining and I never have anything positive to say it’s no wonder that no one wants to listen or be around me anymore. Damn it I’m still living in the past. Why can’t I escape? Do I like it here so much that I am purposely torturing myself? Why do I feel like I deserve to live this way? God I really want to forgive myself, so why can’t I? What the hell is wrong with me?

I can see it ya know, in my mind, in my dreams; being happy and healthy and at peace with myself and my past. I picture myself running in the yard with my children laughing until our bellies hurt. I’m a hundred pounds lighter with my hair fixed, makeup on, and I feel confident again. It feels good. But then again it’s only a dream. It’s so close, yet so far away. It feels so real at times that when reality hits it’s literally like I was hit by a ton of bricks. I am sick and tired of my own bullshit! I hate hating myself but it is what it is. I try, I really do.  I’m weak. I’m a coward and I am ashamed of who I have become.

I want to run away again, and I wish I didn’t care. I don’t want to care. Wouldn’t that make it easier? To feel nothing, so I could leave without guilt. I am a mess but I know it and I can admit it. My kids deserve better so why can’t I just snap out of what ever it is and come back to life. I’m tired and I don’t make much sense.

I have nothing left to say…….