I want to understand...but I know I never will....I want to fix, mend and heal all these broken hearts but I know that power is not mine nor is it my responsibility...I sit with a tear soaked face as I stare at the words of anger misplaced....sometimes we hurt and we want to lash out cause for a moment it makes us feel better but the moment is only a moment and no amount of consolation will take away our pain....it is easy to point the finger when others are wrong but to direct blame and hold expectations is to say you are without fault and that others also have the right to hold expectations of you. We all fall short in living up to someone’s standards and we all know how it feels to not be good enough and yet we still find it necessary to call names and point fingers and to publicly put a voice to our pain...it makes sense we want understanding and acknowledgement... I too am guilty of the same but when do we stop focusing on what others have done or will do for us and instead put our energy into being the best we can be, and being for others what we expect them to be for us. We after all can not change anyone but ourselves just as we can not go back in time and change the things that hurt us and left scars that changed us. Is it really fair to hold on to anger from the past? Is it fair to make assumptions about how others feel or act without asking? Unless we are willing to address every single experience that has led up to and shaped each of us into the people we are today then maybe we should learn to keep some things to ourselves. That is not saying we do not have a right to feel pain or disappointment because for the rest of our lives we will feel both all it means is to remember before lashing out that we too hurt others even when we do not intend to. We all hold some guilt knowing we are partly responsible for someone else’s pain. Is their pain any less than yours? I think not. Are you more perfect than they? I think not. Have you made mistakes as a parent or lacked to show up when a friend was in need because you were dealing with your own personal pain…I do believe so…and unless we are prepared to one day tell our children that we were perfect parents then maybe we should give some slack and show some compassion. We can only do what we know to do…… we can be no more or no less than what our experiences have taught us to do and be………..Continue to point fingers all you want…it will not make you happier nor will it change the life you claim as your own. Let us be real with ourselves and stop letting others dictate our happiness. If you aren’t happy then do something about it…that’s what people keep telling me and yet I’m still fighting my demons even hundreds of miles away. I was mistaken to think that running away would somehow free me from the pain that unhealthy relationships have left engraved in my heart and soul…it still lives on and I am still a prisoner I just feel a little stronger coming at it from a distance. Who are any of us to call out another….to claim that you aren’t who you say you are….are any of us really who we say we are? We make face, fake a smile, and wear masks to convince others we are and our lives are better than who and what they appear to be. You know what I’m talking about. If you keep secrets from those you love and only tell half truths to keep others from worrying then what makes you think others haven’t done the same… we all live lies and have secrets we don’t want the world to know…lets keep it that way…if everything we felt were said we would all be in trouble….In the end it all goes back to the golden rule…do unto others what you would have them do unto you….even if and when they fail to meet our expectations. Forgive and let go is for ourselves and does not mean we make right what someone else did wrong it only means we’ve decided we’ve carried the pain, anger and guilt for long enough and we are decided to hand it over to the ones who caused it in the first place. I’m still working on this so do it at your own time but for goodness sakes do it.
