Expectations

I want to understand...but I know I never will....I want to fix, mend and heal all these broken hearts but I know that power is not mine nor is it my responsibility...I sit with a tear soaked face as I stare at the words of anger misplaced....sometimes we hurt and we want to lash out cause for a moment it makes us feel better but the moment is only a moment and no amount of consolation will take away our pain....it is easy to point the finger when others are wrong but to direct blame and hold expectations is to say you are without fault and that others also have the right to hold expectations of you. We all fall short in living up to someone’s standards and we all know how it feels to not be good enough and yet we still find it necessary to call names and point fingers and to publicly put a voice to our pain...it makes sense we want understanding and acknowledgement... I too am guilty of the same but when do we stop focusing on what others have done or will do for us and instead put our energy into being the best we can be, and being for others what we expect them to be for us. We after all can not change anyone but ourselves just as we can not go back in time and change the things that hurt us and left scars that changed us. Is it really fair to hold on to anger from the past? Is it fair to make assumptions about how others feel or act without asking? Unless we are willing to address every single experience that has led up to and shaped each of us into the people we are today then maybe we should learn to keep some things to ourselves. That is not saying we do not have a right to feel pain or disappointment because for the rest of our lives we will feel both all it means is to remember before lashing out that we too hurt others even when we do not intend to. We all hold some guilt knowing we are partly responsible for someone else’s pain. Is their pain any less than yours? I think not. Are you more perfect than they? I think not. Have you made mistakes as a parent or lacked to show up when a friend was in need because you were dealing with your own personal pain…I do believe so…and unless we are prepared to one day tell our children that we were perfect parents then maybe we should give some slack and show some compassion. We can only do what we know to do…… we can be no more or no less than what our experiences have taught us to do and be………..Continue to point fingers all you want…it will not make you happier nor will it change the life you claim as your own. Let us be real with ourselves and stop letting others dictate our happiness. If you aren’t happy then do something about it…that’s what people keep telling me and yet I’m still fighting my demons even hundreds of miles away. I was mistaken to think that running away would somehow free me from the pain that unhealthy relationships have left engraved in my heart and soul…it still lives on and I am still a prisoner I just feel a little stronger coming at it from a distance. Who are any of us to call out another….to claim that you aren’t who you say you are….are any of us really who we say we are? We make face, fake a smile, and wear masks to convince others we are and our lives are better than who and what they appear to be. You know what I’m talking about. If you keep secrets from those you love and only tell half truths to keep others from worrying then what makes you think others haven’t done the same… we all live lies and have secrets we don’t want the world to know…lets keep it that way…if everything we felt were said we would all be in trouble….In the end it all goes back to the golden rule…do unto others what you would have them do unto you….even if and when they fail to meet our expectations. Forgive and let go is for ourselves and does not mean we make right what someone else did wrong it only means we’ve decided we’ve carried the pain, anger and guilt for long enough and we are decided to hand it over to the ones who caused it in the first place. I’m still working on this so do it at your own time but for goodness sakes do it.

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

I Want To Know What Love Is

 ^{1 corinthians 13:4-7}
Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; ⁵ does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; ⁶ does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; ⁷ bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.



It's no secret that love surrounds all of us. We read about it, gossip about it, watch it in the movies, but how many of us really know what it truly means to love or be loved on a romantic level? Everyone wants to feel love but sadly I question whether true love even exsists any more. We tell others we love them only to hurt and betray them. We make promises we can't keep and we are never satisfied with what we have until it's too late and gone. I use we as in we as a whole but for me love is special.

I don't know if I feel comfortable saying with a hundred percent certainty that I have ever been uncondtionally loved by another before but I can say that each time I've fell in love I have tried my very best to love with out conditions. I have tried to show those I love the same kind of acknowledgement and acceptance that I've so desperately yearned to feel. When I love I love deeply and passionately and I give myself entirely to you. There are no in betweens when it comes to love although we often like to convince ourself that there is. We either love someone or we don't, and if we do then we have to love them unconditionally or it's not love. Accepting those we love despite their faults or flaws, we love them anyway.

Love means being patient and kind and understanding. Love is caring about the feelings of the other. Love is not perfect so there for love is also forgiving. Love is feeling your partners pain and wanting to take it away, but knowing that you can't, you make a conscience decision to do everything in your power to make their world as bright and happy as possible. You console and comfort and share the good and bad of life together. Love is waking up and thinking of how lucky you are to have someone so wonderful in your life and not being able to imagine life without them. Love is being afraid of loosing. Love is being faithful and honest not just to the other person but also to yourself. Don't try and fool yourself into believing something is right when you know that its wrong. When you feel lonely you replace that loniless by being more intune to your partner, not with the attention of others.

Love is trusting yourself to fall in love and trusting that should it not last you will be okay. Love is a risk....your choice whether it's worth taking or not. For me personally it's worth all the pain I've ever felt if I could just find that one who changes it all. If or when I fall in love again, two lives will be forever changed. I will love like I've never been hurt. I will cherish you and respect you and I will not try to change you. I will encourage you and I will believe in you. I just want to know in return that I can trust you, not just with my heart but with everything. I want you to be my best friend and I yours.  I want to share with you everything there is to know about me and I don't want to fear that doing so poses a risk of loosing you. I want you to want to know all of me and not just the parts of me that are easy to like.

I accept that love is not perfect and that love will sometimes hurt.....I just want someone who loves me enough to find the magic in all of love's inperfections. Someone who is willing to grow together and learn from one another. Someone who accepts that I am not perfect but loves me anyway and who wants to see me at my happiest.

I.....want to know what love is........and I want you to show me.....

Mother's Photo Shoot

My Photography session with my Beautiful Mother....

This was a beautiful day and one that I'll Cherish Forever!!!

Letting Go and Letting God

Can anyone explain to me how to “Let Go” and really give our worries to God? I believe in God and I've felt His power in my life before but it seems like I am on this continuous rollercoaster of trust vs. doubt and I really want to get to a place where I am free from all the fears that are holding me back, not just from living the life I want but also and most importantly from having and maintaining a relationship with God.

 “I’m giving my troubles to the Lord.”  I’ve said those words a million times before but have I really? I fear not. I honestly don’t even know how that is possible. I feel so selfish to say that I am expecting God to handle the problems that I have created.  We all worry, but my worrying, anxiety and fear are literally holding me back. It’s draining me of all energy and life inside me and over the years I have faded to what I feel is less than nothing. My biggest fear is that one day it will be too late. That God will get tired of waiting and chasing me. I am physically mentally, and emotionally tired and I do not want to run any more. I can not run any more. My only choice now is to gain an understanding of what God wants from me and for me so that I can move forward. But how do I do this when I feel so lost. I realize that I am the only one standing in my way and I desperately want to know how to get past this.

I know without a doubt that God has a purpose for me. I have felt it my entire life, but I have also run from it my entire life. I get close to God only to pull away just like with every other personal relationship I’ve had. I’ve put up so many walls that I don’t even know how many are there any more. Is it possible to put up a wall from God as well? It is possible to be afraid also of his love?

I know that God would never turn his back on me so what am I afraid of? Perhaps I am afraid not of Him letting me down but instead I am afraid of me letting Him down. I have so many questions and too few answers. I want answers. I want to break free of this darkness that has a hold of me. I want to say it’s going to be alright and really believe it for longer than the moment. I want to smile a genuine smile. I want to believe in myself the way that I believe in God. Is any of this really possible or am I doomed to a life of depression and pain? My life is still out of control in my eyes, even despite the fact that I have grown so much and come so far. I'm still missing something. There is a huge emptiness inside me and I need to understand why I still do not love myself enough to allow God to love me too, to allow God to guide me and trust God to know that everything will be alright. I guess the question is not why can I not let God in but instead why I will not allow Him to stay. Why do I keep pushing him away? What do I fear?

What’s holding me back? How do I “Let go and Let God”? Is there really such a thing, or is it just something people say? I’ve heard that if you do not leave your worries with God then you are saying to Him that you do not trust him, but I want to trust Him. I really do want to allow His presence in my life; not just for a moment, a day, a week or for months, but I want to know how to allow him in permanently……. I want to feel that feeling forever….that feeling you get when you know God is with you….the feeling of complete joy and happiness, when you’re so happy you cry, that feeling that no other can make you feel and that no other can compare. I have felt this before, many times, but it was always short lived and I want to take this feeling with me where ever I go. I want God and Need God in my life so how do I let this miracle of God happen????

Pictures from December 2011

Following are just a few of the photos I took throughout Decemeber....

My Beautiful Alyssa

The Twins Gowing up way too fast!!

The Three of Them together!

My Handsome boys!!!

Isn't she lovely?!

Following are a few of my favorites of  Baby Peyton. It was an absolute pleasure working with Peyton who was the first infant I have taken pictures of other than my own children. Little Peyton made it so easy with her easy going personality. I can't wait to take more of her soon!!!