Today, at age thirty, I learned for the first time just how much I love and need my mother. Yes I know that sounds a bit strange even for me, ecspecially considering that she has been apart of my life for it's entirety. We have always maintained a relationship through the years but I sadly always felt a bit distant from her and oddly enough wished we were closer. It's kind of crazy because she has always been the one person to have my back through out my life, yet still I felt something was missing. perhaps it was I who in my own guilt driven feelings of unworthiness kept a wedge between us. I think I can see it now.
During recent months I did feel like there was a different kind of bond being built between us. I for the first time was able to open up to her about my childhood trauma and for the first time in my life I actually felt heard. My pain was acknowledged and that has played such a huge role in my growth and healing, She says she's noticed changes in me but some of those are in part thanks to her. She has given me an outlet and I'm so thankful for that.
So today out of the blue I recieved a phone call from mom telling me about a wonderful job opportunity she had just received. I was happy for her..... and then I heard something about it being out of state and blah blah blah....six to eight weeks...blah blah blah....literally that is all I could hear. The smile on my face quickly faded and I was speechless probably for the first time in my life. My heart sank, there was a knot in my throat and without any warning panic filled my heart and I choked back tears. I heard "I thought you would be happy." HAPPY??? ARE YOU KIDDING ME is what I was thinking but not wanting to be rude all I could manage was "I'll have to call you back". Click I hung up the phone and even before I could lay the phone on the desk I burst into tears, crying like a little girl who was just told by her mom that she was moving away and leaving her behind. I had no idea where these emotions were coming from and even after she came to my house to check on me I still couldn't admit what had me upset. I love my Mother dearly and don't think I could live without her. Literally. Not is some crazy dependent way but because I love her and because she is my best friend. It took thirty years for me to realize this but I'm so thankful to have been blessed with this realization. I will no longer see her the same way again. Our relationship was born anew today and also born today was a new found respect for her.
It's crazy now how much time I let pass me by not cherishing her words of wisdom, her tender hugs, her late night phone calls when I was on the verge of a meltdown, all the time, sweat and tears she put into helping me raise my children, and all the many many times she's lifted me up from the deep clenches of depression telling me that this to shall pass. I'm sorry I haven't been more appreciate of her. I'm sorry I didn't tell her more often how special she is to me and I'm sorry I didn't tell her I loved her enough. But thankful so very thankful that I still have the rest of her life to make that up to her, and I will!
Tonight I will sleep peaceful knowing that if all else fails and the entire world turns their backs it will still be ok cause I'll always have one person in my corner....My Wonderful Mother!!!!
Me
